We arrived in Reno late — the 29th Annual Lifestyles Convention at the Hilton Hotel in Reno, NV was already half over. Being relatively new to the swing scene, this was our first swingers convention. We wondered, would we score big in the high desert, or would we strike out?

Due to our late arrival, all the seminars that would have been most helpful to us as swing convention rookies had already taken place on the previous two days. In addition to this, we had missed many opportunities to meet other couples in a quieter environment than the loud dance parties held over the weekend. But we were in Reno, we were at a swing convention and we were determined to make the best of it.

That didn't seem like it would be hard to do — hundreds of scantily clad men and women prowled the corridors of the hotel. Unfortunately, they were asked to cover up in the more public areas, like the casino. However, since the convention booked the entire hotel, it was hard to avoid the eye candy for very long. The Lifestyles convention drew folks of all ages, genders, shapes, and sizes.

The theme of Friday's dinner and dance was lingerie, and the place was packed. We struck up a conversation with the lone person at our table, a freelance television producer/director/photographer of some repute. He was an interesting fellow who might have made for some fun couples play, but it turns out he was on assignment shooting scenes for the convention video. His "date" was not a person, but a bulky video camera.

We said goodbye and turned our attention to finding a couple or two to party with. While we did find loud music, dancing, and fun costume prizes, we had little luck finding couples to swing with. As the evening wound down, we retreated to our room for a little one-on-one fun.

                                           

As we awoke Saturday, we devised a new strategy — it was time to hit the seminars! Our first was the aptly named "Sexy Questions." The two moderators charmed and finessed their way through an hour and a half of questions submitted anonymously from the audience. Topics ranged from "Where was the oddest place you ever had sex?" to "Would you choose to be reincarnated as the opposite gender?" The quick and witty moderators truly made this seminar worth attending.

The second seminar we attended was titled: "Just Below the Surface, The Erotic Power Of Jealousy." Combine Homer's The Odyssey with the corrupting influence of decadent western capitalism on the mating habits of primitive tribes in the Amazonian rain forest and what do you get? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. The two academic type moderators of this seminar dressed up their doctoral dissertation on jealousy with mixed results. It might have worked in a rigorous grad school setting, but it fell flat here.

Last on our seminar itinerary was the one I, as a half-geek, was most anticipating. However, "Webcams, Dildonics, and Other Explorations into Future Lust," did not deliver as I had hoped. The moderator's experience in staging happening-type events on the web (globalgasm.com) was encouraging, since dildonics and webcams represent the next step in Internet sex. The moderator had unbridled enthusiasm for his topic, but he lacked technical chops. Many in the sparse crowd had specific technical questions, but his answers were weak and evasive. It took geek intervention from the audience to lend some technical gravitas to the whole affair. After 45 minutes, the host lost his enthusiasm and we wrapped early, although not soon enough.

Saturday's finale theme was "The Gala Silver and Gold Masquerade". My partner and I were decked out as handsomely as possible, but were no match whatsoever for the stunning, glorious array of revealing costumes and gowns on display that night.

We found an opening for two at a table and quickly snagged it. Two other couples were already seated; one about ten years older than us from L.A., and the other couple six years younger than us and from the Bay Area. We all swapped stories about our limited experience at the few Bay Area sex clubs we'd attended.

After dinner, both couples excused themselves to go upstairs to change into other outfits for the rest of the night. Only the older couple from L.A. returned. They were a little more into the dancing than we were, so after they took off for the floor we took off for the party suites. I had wanted to troll around the hotel a little to see if we could get into one of those infamous after parties, and perhaps get a little hot orgy action going.

But my partner insisted that we had to be invited to those affairs, and we had no such invite. She was probably right, and besides, I had no idea where to start looking. Since these kinds of activities must have the consent of both parties, the exploration was off. Heads hanging, we headed to our quiet floor to call it a night.

It was another scoreless night and we were disappointed. All our anticipation leading up to the convention went for naught. We did have a nice time, but as you can imagine, our best-laid plans went sadly awry.