I had never made a home porn video before. I had always been too scared of someone finding it, or of having a bad end to that particular relationship during which the porn was made, and then, horror of horrors, having the tape used as blackmail. Add this to the fact that I'm shy. I've never had a problem watching porn—that has never embarrassed me. And I'm fine in strip clubs, although I've never stripped myself—I've thought about it (for about two seconds) before realizing I'd probably be bored stiff. And the money isn't always that great. Besides, as I mentioned above, I'm shy.

My inability to trust people probably stems from the fact that in my formative years I hung out with drug dealers and drop-outs. And I dated guys who were crazy (literally), punk rock stars (and yes, every stereotype you can think of about them is true), a junkie (stereotypes definitely apply here), a tattoo artist, and the list goes on. Would you trust any of them with a video camera? I didn't even trust them with my house keys. There was a point when my parents just wanted me find a guy, or girl, that met three criteria: they hadn't been in jail, graduated high school, and, well, I forget what the other one was but it makes no difference, I've never been able to do it.

But I finally wised up, sobered up, whatever, it doesn't really matter, and met someone who, if not meeting my parents criteria, is at least pretty nice. It started on his birthday. I had no money to buy him a present and he's really into sex. (He's an earth sign. They're all really into sex.) I borrowed a video camera—which I still haven't returned—and decided to surprise him. I set it up, dug out my lingerie and remembered I didn't have a videotape. I dug through the bag that the camera came in and found a couple of tapes. The first one I put in was of my friend giving birth. Um, gross, I wasn't prepared to see this bloody pink thing being pushed out of a gaping vagina. That turned me off for a good hour or so. Finally, I got over my fear of looking at the other tapes and found some blank ones. I was camera shy at first—I didn't really want to talk on film — but ...

once I got over my fear it was actually pretty hot. We've done quite a few movies since then - movies involving rope, blindfolds, dildos, masturbation and more masturbation. For me, making them is actually more fun than watching them. And it has made me think more about being an exhibitionist. I've now had fantasies about having sex in alleys, in bathrooms, on the subway. I don't know if I'll ever act on them but I feel as if some barrier has been broken by the homemade porn. I wouldn't be surprised to find myself in a risqué scenario that involves being outside, breaking some kind of law, and hopefully a video camera—one that's owned by me.