Daring to alienate an entire population of bible-thumping fundamentalist dullards, a Federal judge last week ruled that an Alabama amendment banning the sale of sex toys and devices is a violation of rights guaranteed by the constitution.

Repeating a ruling that he gave in 1999 that was appealed by state Attorney General Bill Pryor before the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals remanded it back to his court for reconsideration, U.S. District Judge Lynwood Smith Jr. stated plaintiffs provided substantial and irrefutable evidence their right to privacy was being infringed upon by the state.

The charges, levied against six women who either sold sex aids or testified their need of them for sexual gratification, stemmed from a 1998 state amendment that buttressed obscenity laws and was initially meant to ban nude dancing.

Smith ruled that the state had no legitimate interest in preventing the sale and/or ownership of dildos, cock rings, vibrators, French ticklers, clit ticklers, pocket rockets, etc, when used by consenting adults. While it is unclear how state attorneys and law enforcement will react to the ruling, supporters have indicated that it should free local authorities to finally deal with long-neglected statewide epidemics of bestiality and incest.

Years ago, urban legend spread to lower-income communities that told of a form of contraception wherein women douched with Pepsi soda after the act, killing sperm as they raced toward their ovarian goal.

Unfortunately, scientific studies never bore this theory out, despite almost universal acceptance of Pepsi as a toxic, corrosive agent.

Now, however, an Australian scientist reports that an ages-old technique using the much more organic juice of a lemon or lime can wipe out those pesky critters faster than you can grunt 'em out. Not only that, but he also reports that the bitter nectar can also handily throttle the deadly AIDS virus.

According to University of Melbourne reproductive physiologist Roger Short, placing a few drops of the liquid on a piece of sponge or cotton and inserting it into the vagina can be "very affective in immobilizing human sperm and also very effective in killing HIV."

Short is in the process of organizing field trials in Thailand (with its many sex-related industries, as good a testing ground as can be found on the planet) to try to further explore his lab findings.

While many may scoff at the idea that simple lemon juice can solve the world's monumental crises of overpopulation and AIDS proliferation, one need look no further than the miracle of concentrated orange essences to find similarly amazing results. Recent advancements in orange cleaner technology have resulted in agents so concentrated and effective that they can displace stubborn bong resin with nary a scrub.

Things have taken a turn for the worse in the country that invented the erotic arts, as elements of France's newly elected conservative government flex their legislative muscles in an attempt to restrict or even censor some forms of media.

Conservative Dominique Baudis and his TV watchdog organization, CSA, are petitioning the government to remove the X-rated films that adorn pay channels on Saturday nights (dubbed "le porno du Samedi" by the French, and a mainstay of French television for years). Baudis argues that, despite the late hour of their broadcast, these films are reaching a significant number of children.

Child rights groups are also up in arms over two popular novels that touch on the subject of pedophilia. The books have stirred such controversy that French Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy is expected to rule this week whether or not one of them (Rose Bonbon, the tale of a murdering pedophile), will be removed from book stores.

French right-wingers have cited a recent spate of gang rapes by youths in lower income suburbs as the motivation behind altering the country well-established reputation of tolerance of explicit themes in art and media. In general, as well, the conservative contingent is using gains from last summer's elections as a mandate for tightening the reins on liberalism.

France's liberal bastion isn't going to give up easily, however. Popular newspaper Le Monde ran an editorial last week decrying the proposals, and Culture Minister Jean-Jacques Aillagon has spoken out strongly against any form of censorship.

Here's hoping the conservative crackdown doesn't get out of hand. If France gets all right wing, where the hell are Roman Polanski and Robert Crumb going to go next?