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A strange thing happened last week, but maybe not so strange considering the time of year. I was picking up some stuff from a bi boy's apartment in the Castro (what kind of "stuff" is really none of your business), and I noticed he had rented the new film starring massive-mammed macabre mama Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, called Elvira's Haunted Hills (gettit?), along with The Others and my favorite, The Shining. I guess he was getting into the Halloween mood, which would certainly explain the packages of mini-Baby Ruths and what looked like pumpkin-flavored condoms, ready for trick-or-treaters of the 19 Street and Sanchez variety.
Unfortunately, we didn't get to stay long enough for the climax of the film, wherein the demure dark damsel performs an amazing titty tassle twirl. Too bad. Say what you will about her oft-corny schtick, but the lady has a stupendous set of cans, in the parlance of our times. I love breasts. Hooters. Tits. Jugs. Sweater meat. But it's not just big, pendulous, hypnotizing milk wagons that I admire so dearly. It is the curvaceous form of an hourglass figure, a certain hip-to-waist-to-bust ratio which renders my rational mind useless, my very will powerless. I'm not talking about chubby chasing or even those huge, muscular girls with whom Robert Crumb is obsessed. For those of you who need a primer on today's premiere well-proportioned princesses, I have prepared a list. And no, this isn't Maxim, and I'm not a pig who "rates" women. The following aren't necessarily even in any order. The truth is I love all kinds of women -- a heterosexual (or bi, for that matter) man's mind should dizzy at the infinite charms of the goddess's form. But I figure that in this climate of never-skinny-enough actresses (I saw a scene from The Practice where Lara Flynn Boyle tumbles out of the shower in a towel-that's sexy? She looked the way a cat does when you dunk it in water, ribs poppin' out and everything), I thought I'd give the, um, more robust ladies their props. And rest assured, silicon-phobics, these ladies are all natural (as of press time)!
Laura Harring. If God made a greater pair of breasts, he kept them for himself. Harring's star turn in David Lynch's Mulholland Drive last year had everything - a bit of mystery, a slice of moxie, and a heapin' helpin' of mouthwatering mams. Add a little hot lesbo action, and you've got a potent combination that almost had me running back to concession stand for extra paper towels. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Is she cute? Is she annoying? Well, this really gets into issues of gender dynamics-a lot of girls (even bi girls) don't consider tits a high priority, so they find her annoying. Whereas most guys would gladly endure that dorky laugh and cocked head for even the remotest chance to them pendulous pups. Quite possibly the most amazing tits of her generation. What a burden, eh? Jennifer Tilly. Forget the Betty Boop voice and the dingy persona. Underneath these is an Oscar-nominated actress who's as close to the classic, pre-Raphaelite earth goddess as Hollywood is likely to get. If her lesbian scene with Gina Gershon in Bound doesn't make your big toe jump up in your boot, it's time to buy a sixer of Smirnoff Ice and start hanging out in locker rooms. Jennifer Connelly. The Jennifer trilogy concludes with a bang. I remember the ads from John Hughes' Career Opportunities featuring Connelly's lush cans crammed into a tight, white tank top when she was barely 18. She halted her career for a couple of years to have kids, but she's just as hot as ever, and those titanic tits are none the worse for it. I just hope all her recent accolades won't make her shy about giving us a glimpse now and then (as is the case with many actresses).
Laetitia Casta. The yummy French truffle from the Victoria's Secret catalogs with pouty lips and a bod so bodacious I've known girls who would gladly borrow my dick just to fuck her. If your idea of a full-figured girl is a mustached, wood-chopping Russian she-bear, Laetitia will set you straight. Forget crackers in bed-this wench could take a crap on my satin sheets and I wouldn't say a word. I'd probably toss the sheets though.
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