Ever wonder if smoking that kibble o' crack while getting an abortion as you listen to Mercyful Fate would secure you a spot in the hereafter as Satan's personal pin cushion?

Well, you're right.

And while this fact is pretty universally accepted, few lack the courage and vision it takes to beat the knowledge into the youth of today until abject fear of infinite torture and damnation finally causes their eyes to rip away from the interweb or Christina Aguilera's ass poking out of her panties on MTV.

Now there will be even fewer, as Denver's infamous "Hell House" outreach program/haunted house of unholy Christian terror takes a leave of absence from its seasonal sermon.

Intended as an interactive morality play depicting the sundry paths to hell that modern society provides (homosexuality, drug use, promiscuity, abortion, Mormonism), the Abundant Life Christian Center's annual attraction boasted 45,000 visitors during its six-year run.

But local advocacy groups, citing the Jack Chick-esque hyperbole in the ham-handed, culturally insensitive portrayals of anyone who isn't depicted on the WB's 7th Heaven (and we don't mean Jessica Biel, the hot chick who graciously displayed her 17-year-old tits 'n' ass for Bob Guccione's Gear mag) have all but tarred and feathered the production and run it out of town.

Founder Reverend Keenan Roberts has vowed to scour the Denver suburbs in search of a replacement venue in time for next year's Halloween season. In the meantime, though, Roberts is spreading his heavenly message of fear and intolerance through his "Hell House" kits-ready-made guides, including scripts, for groups to conduct in the insulation of their own rural, white communities. Kind of like the Taco Bell taco kits you get at the grocery store, only designed to make young people hate queers.

Britain's House denies gay adoption

In more Christian news that would have driven Jesus mad with the desire to bitch-slap his disciples, England's House of Lords last week rejected a proposal that would have allowed gay and same-sex parents access to child adoption.

In a narrow 196-162 vote, the governing body upheld the current policy of only allowing singles and traditionally married couples the right to adopt. The decision came after an intense, three-hour debate. The bill now goes back to the House of Commons, which had previously ratified it.

Critics of the decision have cited an eleventh-hour stunt by the Christian Institute, a conservative group that actually believes that a ten-headed beast is going to slither out of the ocean and smite the faithful, right after some whore guzzles down the blood of an American football team, or some such tripe. In the hours before the debate, members of the group distributed wallet cards stating the cardholder does not permit a same-sex couple to adopt their child in the event of the cardholder's death.

Advocacy groups called the cards and their distribution a ploy designed to play on the fears of House members. Evidently, quite an effective ploy at that.

Cure for the quick shooter?

Well, I know that you don't have a problem, so you don't have to read this out of anything but abstract curiosity. And, mind you, I only wrote it 'cos I'm a journalist and I have to report about these things, it's my job. Nope, no personal investment whatsoever …

Anyway, for those poor bastards whom I like to call Quick Draw McGraw (also known by their sexual partners as "Already?" "Not yet!" and "What about me, you fucking limp-noodled spaz?!"), there may be some help on the way, and from an unlikely source at that.

Some doctors, noting anecdotal reports from patients taking antidepressants such as dapoxetine who claim it helps them avoid premature ejaculation, have begun to prescribe the drug to patients for whom the affliction is their primary complaint.

Dapoxetine is a selective seratonin uptake inhibitor (SSRI), a substance designed to allow seratonin and dopamine (the things that make you happy) flow freely in the brain. It also fucks with the ability of neurotransmitters to communicate with each other, thereby delaying the processes involved in triggering orgasm in males.

While the use of SSRIs to treat premature ejaculation looks promising, it is just now being put though the paces of research and study, so some are calling the prescription of them to treat sexual dysfunction a bit … premature. Still, for those who suffer from this most indignant of afflictions, it's not likely they're gonna wait until the academic nerds weigh in to ask for a little help in the stamina department.

By the way, the drug MDMA, commonly referred to as ecstasy, is also an SSRI. Just thought you'd like to know.

Bio: Steve Robles isn't so much a writer as he is a professional smartass. You can check out further essays on the human condition at his website, www.cosmicblatherings.com.