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Highlights from the world of sex. It looks like women aren't the only ones who claim, "Not tonight, I have a headache" in the bedroom. That's the lead you'd be reading if I was some second-rate hack spewing out anonymous copy at a Knight-Ridder publication. Luckily for the both of us, I ain't. Nevertheless, scientists in Germany are presently controlling their urges to take over the world in order to concentrate on orgasmic cephalgia, a condition whose symptoms are a headache that begins at the point of sexual release. This fact in and of itself renders the stupid lead mentioned above irrelevant, as most depictions of spousal denial of gratification occur pre-coitus. But I digress … What they've found is that the affliction is three times more likely to occur in men than women. The headaches can range from annoying to something Nate in Six Feet Under might suffer. Just try to remember, guys, that Nate managed not to spew on Brenda when he had his episode, though I know a few girls who wish he had. These German scientists surmise that the headaches are tied somehow to the process of re-routing the blood from the head in order to inflate the ol' dirigible, if you catch my drift. This news has elicited a spirited reaction from the small-to-average-sized male community, who see the affliction as just rewards for those with a tree trunk in their pants. "Fuck 'em," said a man who would not give his name, but said women have used such derogatory terms as "needle-dick" and "bug fucker." "I hope all these big-dicked bastards have a stroke." When informed of the irony of this statement, the man threatened physical violence and declined further cooperation. Rollin' in the Benzo Last week, we had a little fun at the expense of men who suffer from premature ejaculation. Well, to make amends, we thought we'd do it some more. It's fun.
Frustrated with the limitations of marketing their products to guys who'd make Jason Biggs' American Pie character look like Peter North in the stamina department, Durex has introduced a new line of condoms that contain a small amount of the drug Benzocaine. The theory, of course, is that the anaesthetic numbs the penis, and therefore delays ejaculation. This represents a huge evolution from the previous delaying methods of either thinking about your uncle with the hairy back or double-wrapping two condoms and having your partner fart during the act, neither of which were ever endorsed by recommended by Durex. For their part, Durex says that the condoms, called Performax, have been flying off the shelves in the three months since their exclusive availability on the Internet. A company source said officials are now eagerly awaiting test results for their new Endurex line, which will contain extract of Columbian coca leaf. Thai prison goes co-ed—panty raid pending Taken from the "What the hell are they thinking?" file: Thailand's government, fearing that their prisons are in danger of resembling Oz, have resorted to taking a severe and possibly incalculably stupid step to stem what they see as the growing problem of homosexuality among inmates. Prison officials have complained recently of heightened tensions, obviously a side effect of same-sex relations in the impossibly overcrowded system, which is forced to house twice its capacity. Nope, no inherent tension there …
Since prisoners won't be housed together and any relations between the sexes will not be allowed, it is still unclear how the practice will result in discouraging hot Thai boys from buggering each other. "Male prisoners don't dare to look in the eyes of females when they come across each other," said Nathee Chitsawang, deputy director general of the Corrections Department. "This behavior has created the problem of homosexuality and we hope that mixing the sexes would help lessen the problem," he added. When asked exactly what the flying fuck he was talking about, Chitsawang ordered the journalist savagely beaten.
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