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Highlights from the world of sex. Just to make sure you're a fully informed reader, I will admit that my ex-girlfriend used to work at Mattel's El Segundo compound, and that the company was surely spawned by Satan. You'd think that poisoning the minds of millions of young girls would be enough to satisfy this tyrannical titan of toys, but no… apparently, the psychological torture of employees was part of their overall business plan. So I won't even pretend to have any objectivity in reporting that, in a pair of cases centered around their prized commodity, the impossibly proportioned babelicious bitch Barbie, the company's claims of copyright infringement have been all but roundly rejected in recent court decisions.  First, there was the case of the bondage Barbie, wherein a British dollmaker turned the frigid bitch into a "Dungeon Doll," complete with rubber and PVC. While a U.S. District judge allowed the case to go forward, she also expressed her doubt that the toymaker had sufficient evidence to prove its case."The sale or display of 'adult' dolls does not appear to be a use Mattel would likely develop or license others to develop," said Judge Laura Taylor Swain. Then there's the case of the U.S. artist whose images of Barbie in various roles and positions, such as Barbie roasting over a spit in "Mellow Yellow," and a nude pose titled "Blue Ice Barbie," so offended the dollmaker's sensibilities that they were forced to unleash a snarling pack of lawyers on him. However, Mattel's lawsuit against Tom Forsythe was dismissed last week by a federal judge who ruled that Forsythe's right to free expression far exceeded the company's intellectual property rights. Hmm… maybe his next creation should be "Frivolous Lawsuit Barbie?" Although personally I'd be much more interested in "Double Penetration Barbie," or better yet, "Bisexual Barbie with Strap-on Skipper." Babies shatter parents' sex lives You know, I'll be the first to admit, there gets to be a point where news isn't exactly news anymore. Rather, it becomes a kind of public "second opinion," confirming long-held suspicions and commonly held knowledge.  Case in point: according to a recent UK survey by Prima Baby magazine, 500 couples questioned said their sex lives were in shambles after the birth of a baby, with rates of relations plummeting by as much as half or more. Yeah, no shit. This is after already suffering the indignity of pregnancy, when a couple's sex life first takes that dark and awful plunge into the world of shameful, non-inclusive masturbation.The reasons cited are sundry, ranging from postpartum depression to stretch marks to stress/fatigue to the sheer abject horror of watching something the size of a watermelon get squished out of the hoo-ha where you're supposed to put your little pee-pee. Jesus, the sheer association would be enough to scare away the most determined of erections. Prima Baby, realizing the dire statistics it had just delivered its already suffering audience, was quick to note that these things were natural, and that eventually a mother's focus drifts back to matters of the flesh once all that baby bullshit calms down a bit. Of course, it delivered this spoonful of sugar with the vinegar-y factoid that most women fret over their partner's fidelity during this whole process of waiting to have sex with the girl he used to have sex with before all the baby crap. And before you accuse me of being a swine, I don't make the news, I just write it. Testosterone treatment offers relief for aging peckers There may be some help on the way for old bastards who not only can't get it up, but can't even get up from the EZ chair if they do. (You can really see how our recent sensitivity training has paid off, yeah?) Doctors are recommending supplemental testosterone for some of their older patients whose count as got so low that they've taken to sewing oven mitts and playing bridge. There's even a commercial testosterone patch that's available for those limp-dicked doddering codgers. I'm sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I guess I can't relate, because an overabundance of testosterone has resulted in the top of my head looking like a garden in Hiroshima after the blast. So for their money, older guys who receive this treatment are given somewhat-less-than-superhero powers —the ability to sustain an erection, as well as increased stamina in general. There's only one drawback (you didn't think there wouldn't be a drawback, did you?) —the grinning specter of impending doom and death. Just a small detail when compared to being able to pop wood, sure, but it's a fact that increased testosterone sends a man's chances of getting prostate cancer through the roof. Which is why I've been getting colonoscopies since the age of six, when the reflection of the sun on my grandfather's chrome dome temporarily blinded me and I was rushed to the hospital with retina burns.
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