Gay BJs A-Ok, doctors say

First of all, you have no idea how hard it was to decide on that headline. The following story so lends itself to quippy heads that it was torture narrowing it down to one. Here are the runners up:

"Thar he blows"

"A blown load a day keeps the HIV away"

"HIV risk negligible among SF gay men"

Okay, the last one never had a chance, I'll admit it …

So, check it out —San Francisco physicians have discovered that among gay men, the risk of HIV infection through oral sex appears to fall somewhere between really low and naught.

In a survey of 10,000 men who got tested for HIV, 239 said they had only engaged in oral sex for the previous six months. None of these men contracted HIV, despite the fact that one in four had gone so far as to guzzle the man-gravy. Scientists interpreted this data and extrapolated that the risk among gay on average hovered around .5 percent. Previous estimates of infection through male-to-male oral sex had varied wildly, from more than 12 percent on the upper end to zero on the, umm, zero end.

This is in contrast to the five percent risk of HIV infection from anal sex. Clearly in the gay world (and just about any world that I can think of, for that matter), the way to express affection and tenderness to someone who's close to your heart is to suck 'em off like you're trying to pull a lumpy, ice-cold milkshake through a cocktail straw.

Insert Weekly World News headline here

Or if you'd prefer, we'll do it for you: "Woman with two vaginas gives birth to twins!"

Oh sure, I'd like to think I'd be so clever as to make something like that up, but alas, not a chance.

So I'm not bullshitting when I tell you that a 25-year-old Chinese peasant woman earlier this month pumped out a pair of young 'uns from two separate assembly lines; that is, for 39 weeks the twins gestated in their own private womb. What accommodations, eh? These two will definitely be spoiled …

Luckily for mommy, she didn't have to actually birth the twins through her amazing double-barreled genitalia. Surgeons performed a Caesarian section on the beleaguered baby factory.

Not to argue semantics or anything, but the two babies are twins only for the purposes of writers who can't really think of anything else to call them. Similar to fraternal twins, the pair grew from different eggs, but, as they came from different wombs, they are likely to develop in divergent ways.

It is reported that one in one thousand women have two wombs, but not usually two functioning wombs. More often one or both of the wombs produce miscarriages.

Figures on women with two vaginas are harder to find. Almost as hard to find as the women with two vaginas, but the payoff isn't quite the same.

I don't know how happy this girl is with the father, but wouldn't it be great if she followed the circus around until she found a guy with two cocks? Now that's a romantic tale Hollywood won't be telling anytime soon.

Christ! There's still 24 letters left!

Let's face it, girls are complicated. At least lesbians have some kind of road map, but us hetero guys are doomed to wander around in a punch-drunk fog, not sure how to interpret the thoughts and actions of the opposite sex. Not only do we have to figure out the whole thought process thing, but also the subtle intricacies of her complex poonanny.

And just when I thought I had it figured out (it took me 35 years to determine that the G-spot wasn't a vulnerable patch in the fabric of Godzilla's radioactive hide), leave it to a bunch of asshole scientists to throw a monkey wrench in the cogwork of human sexual relations.

Dr. Shashank "Redemption" Samak, a sexologist in India, has been busy transcribing the Ananga Ranga, a 16th Century Sanskrit text that details many pleasures of the flesh, and within has found details of what he calls the "P-spot," or Poornachandra Nadi, an erogenous zone that can be found near the G-spot.

Basically, this P-spot is a mass of tissue found about three centimeters from the vagina, we're told. Of course, they wouldn't want to tell you exactly where it is. Oh no, that would be too easy.

There may be an explanation for this lack of an available and easily accessible treasure map. Evidently, like the cunning, wily coyote, this crown jewel of joy can prove to be highly elusive. So don't strap on the mining hat 'n' pocket rocket just yet —this mass of titillated tissue is apparently best accessed in the cowgirl position (girl on top yelling "Yee ha!" as she rides your dinger like you're a Hippety Hop).

So girls, it's never too late to demand what is rightfully yours. You deserve a P-spot orgasm now, dammit! And when the insensitive prick says he has no idea what the hell you're talking about, just remember who's got all the facts, baby —that's right, you're friendly (and fully informed) neighborhood news man …