Horoscopes Santa isn't the only one who knows who's been naughty or nice.
December 24, 2002 - December 31, 2002
AR
IES
The stars spell out your destiny for the week… they say "Aries, shop 'til you drop." No really, look up and check it out (right there, next to the North Star). The stress of the holidays is obviously getting to you much like those asinine phone commercials with Carrot Top. Take a day off and buy yourself something, seriously. Leave the phone off the hook, and let all those porn, get-your-diploma, and get-your-diploma-through-porn spams sit in your inbox. This is also your week to let out your feminine side. How is not exactly clear, so whether it be having a Lifetime network fest with a box of tissues or slinking around in some really sexy silk panties, so be it. Just be careful with your partner this week, because even if you've got a valid bone to pick, bringing up skeletons of the past means there won't be any bone-burying in the bedroom.
TAU
RUS
Mentally this week, you're in a quiet safe place, lying in a field of flowers, watching the butterflies and puffy little white clouds float lazily by, relaxed and serene… until the bills from last week's spending spree start flowing in and you're suddenly wishing you were working for yourself instead of Mastercard. Since spending money is not an option, fixing broken stuff around the house will make you feel like a manly stud biscuit, but more importantly, a little more in control of this crazy thing we call life. And hey, when you see that hottie this weekend, ignore your natural pompous streak, open yer earholes and keep yer yap shut. Focus on making romantic plans, whether it is for an intimate vacation for two or wedding stuff, just so long as it's for a positive future with your loved one. Keep these things in mind and you're guaranteed a little pickle tickle.
GEM
INI
You are quite the popular one this week with everyone… except the fam. While your friends think your gingerbread jokes and jolly antics are nifty-keen, your family doesn't appreciate your quest for holiday perfection. You are Clark Griswold in a family full of humbugs. Ah well, scrooge 'em. Put up your lights, blow out the fuses and set the cat on fire, it's all about the holiday love. And speaking of love, make a special effort to get closer to that potential treetopper (yeah, yeah, that's a logic leap to "angel," bite me). That is, until you're tempted to bury your nose in that new novel. Put the book back, Twinkbottom, and focus on what makes your relationship with your honey so gosh darned spiffy.
CAN
CER
Silly little crab, waiting to do all your holiday shopping at the very last minute. Your relatives are going to end up with gifts like "The Perfect Waffle Twaddler (tm)" and "The Greatest Lesser-Known B-Sides of Englebert Humperdink," cause that's all that was left on the shelves. But hey, the sky's the limit on the stuff you did find! The holiday with your family turns out to be a blast, all except for the over-super-hyperstimulated children zipping at sub-sonic speeds betwixt bowls of candy and plates of cookies. Sigh heavily because it's all you can do; they're not your kids (thank your lucky stars). However, speculation and hearsay the likes of the Warren Commission cause potential lovers to demand the TRUTH. But since even you can't handle the truth, use your friends like the emotional tampons they are and open up about it. And if you're still stalking that perfect sweetheart, they'll finally drop the restraining order and agree to a date, which is actually likely to blossom into a "thang til the sprang"… er, spring, if not beyond. The end of the week should find you nestled into the couch watching old movies, surrounded comfortably by your holiday loot.
LEO
Wow, Leo, you're the world's sugar-daddy this week, bandying about your generosity and spare moolah like Rip Taylor with a bucket of confetti. Everyone loves and appreciates you for this, but later in the week, your lack of fundage will bring about pangs of regret. But in the grand tradition of South Park's Chef, you gotta tell yourself, "Aww, just fudge it, children." You can go over your financials next year after you've partied like it's 2003. In the meantime, just appreciate the fine gifts that were picked out with excruciating care just for you (except the gifts from Cancers, we all know what they did in the paragraph above). Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, and let your lion-esque confidence be contagious to everyone around you, sort of like an endearing fungus. Everyone will pay you back in wonderful imaginative ways. If you're lucky, it'll be someone darned cute coming up with the most creative ways to thank you… wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, squire! Photographs?
VIR
GO
Virgo, you are a creative and giving being, you seek perfection in all things, you are the henpecking mom of the cosmos and your sign is synonymous with "anality." Sounds harsh, but I'm a Virgo and I've been subjected to it in just about every Virgo horoscope I've ever read, so why shouldn't you suffer too? Anyway, you've just got too much damn shit to do this week while your beloved binkybutt is glued to the couch watching Brady Bunch reruns. While this will probably trigger a near Grand Mal, take a breather until your eye stops twitching and you cease the urge to rip him or her any new orifices. Beware, your super-mutant powers of anality will fail you this week at work, so triple-check every factoid and speak clearly lest you be misinterpreted. Then, hang with your homies over the weekend, being flexible and forgiving of yourself and others if things don't go as planned. (See? There it is again! Criminy! Are we social pariahs or what?) Finally, peel binkybutt off the couch for some well-deserved attention and maybe a little Italian chandelier action. (See our Trivia section for details!)
LIB
RA
You don't need to get dressed up or do anything special to hang out with your friends. Break out the cheese food product and holiday nog (or any other suitable nogs you have handy), it's time to celebrate the joy of friendship. And when the philosophy bug hits you, take the time to clear up current misunderstandings and conflicts. I mean really, was that debate over who was really the first gay Marvel comic book character worth all that trauma? (The answer is "North Star" from issue #106 of Alpha Flight, but that's beside the point.) You'll feel like you're starting a new chapter in your life with the new year, perhaps entitled "I'm hot and you know it." To fling is the thing this week, and you're totally in control of whatever you want, babe. And, oh yeah, when someone asks you for a favor or needs a shoulder to cry on, don't be a turd. Make an effort to be a bit more generous (especially if your nickname happens to be binkybutt, see above under "Virgo.") .
SCO
RPIO
Argh! Just when you thought you'd get to head out for the holidays, something comes up to foil the whole shebang. Your bad kismet may come in the form of a last minute pestering work detail or possibly a porn emergency (and don't you just hate those), but either way, you'll feel absolutely f-a-a-a-a-bulous for making things come together in the last hour, darling! Unfortunately, that uses up your whole "generosity reserve" for the week, leaving you and the couch to become one and the same. Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, your lover has some handy-dandy advice for you but is reluctant to share; torture him or her until he/she says uncle. Also, you two have a big decision to make together, so work out the details and then have lots of hot sex. (The last part wasn't actually in the astrological forecast, but it should be, so I'm adding it anyway.).
SAG
ITTARIUS
You may have already won a holiday bonus of either 1) money, or 2) food! Thankfully, neither Ed Macmahon nor Dick Clark have anything to do with this, it's just the universe bestowing unexpected presents on all the lucky Sags of the world. However, your holiday cheer may turn to Grinch-like pessimism when demanding family members and hyper children force their way onto the scene. (You and a Cancer could get together and commiserate over this.) But never fear, friends will soon be here with post-holiday happiness to share. And on that note, tell your hunk/hunklet o' burnin' love how much you appreciate the presents they give you. Then, later in the week when he or she decides to get all school marmy on your ass, stand up for yourself the way Kevin Bacon once taught a small country town that dancin' was a good thing. Then, blast Kenny Loggins as you boogie your little butt out of the room, leaving him or her in a total state of confusion.
CAP
RICORN
Single Capricorns will notice that their new relationship is like the Transformers, there's more than meets the eye. Look beyond your first impression. You never know when he or she is really a Decepticon. Meanwhile, getting in touch with long-lost friends is a must, followed by a serious analysis of your career's impact on your love life. Capricorns in relationships may find that significant other getting all touchy feely about "how much they love you", and 'how much they miss you" and "you're spending too much time at work," you could respond with, "Hey! I bring home the bacon! Now get back in the kitchen and make me some pie!" Or in reality, you will say, "I know honey, but we really need the money right now," then cuddle on the couch. Luckily, the great cosmic Palm Pilot has you scheduled for a weekend of relative peace, wherein you can indulge in tasty leftovers and time with your favorite hobby. Finally, you can build that addition to your toothpick reconstruction of Buckingham Palace. You're gonna' need lots of glue!
AQU
ARIUS
Affected by holiday treats and a lack of sleep, friends and family look at you like you are insane when you suggest everyone "fly to the North Pole" to celebrate the holidays. Compromise (and a little less sugar in your diet) will make for better company. Family may have misinterpret your holiday crazies for something more serious. Whatever you do, avoid anyone wearing long white coats. You may have to convince your sweetest that you meant no harm and to rebuild the bridge of love. Suggest he or she be frank with feelings (or 'Francesca,' whatever floats your boat). Later in the week, you may have the chance to mingle with the great unwashed and meet new folks. If any of them suggest a great opportunity to make some easy money, something about the deposed leader of some hard to pronounce African nation, don't waste your time thinking long and hard before telling them to eat yellow snow.
PIS
CES
We all know that shortly after the holidays are over, every gym in town makes bazillions as post-holiday pounds creep up on the general population. But rather than nag your partner to join you in a seemingly endless 20-minute jog to nowhere each day, give them time to accompany you of their own accord. That way, later resentments will be aimed at a random treadmill instead of you. Same goes for "watching out" how your loved ones eat. If you make one-too-many smarmy comments about packing in the fruitcake, you may find yourself getting the cold shoulder. (And believe me, one smarmy comment is one too many.) Just get into the holiday spirit, or even the holiday spirits. (hick!)
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