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Highlights from the world of sex. Yeah, so I rolled myself out of the death bed and took the train into the office just to write this for all of you. But the sacrifice doesn't end there. Oh no. Because I came in today, lungs rattling, head spinning, fevered, and suffering from slight hallucinations due to the toxic cocktail of black plague and Nyquil, I have put at risk much of the staff of this publication. Sure, they're reasonably safe as long as they stay out of my quarantined office space, but the risk of contagion still exists on door handles and stuff. Not to lay a guilt trip on you or anything. Just wanted to let you know how dedicated we are, and that writing this with a thermometer up my bum is really uncomfortable. Now onto the usual brand of infotainment… Jailhouse (Prague) Rock  For all of you who already think that prisoners have it too easy, you may want to skip this one.A 35-year-old female doctor practicing at Vinarice Prison just outside Prague was fired last week after wardens caught her having sex with one of the prisoners during what I assume would be considered a non-routine physical examination. Wardens found the two getting it on atop a surgical table. Not very antiseptic, eh? In addition to getting sacked, the woman has been banned from the prison. Officials at the jail sure did have a funny way of expressing their distress at the incident. "Prison employees are obliged to stick to certain rules," spokesperson Lubos Beranek said. "One of these rules is to not offer any services to any of the inmates that exceed the prison's standards." And you thought cable TV was a prison luxury… Welsh cabinet member battles bongs, buttplugs  A head shop in Wales managed to annoy the hell out of a cabinet member by opening up shop right next door to his office in Neath.Secretary Peter Hain is none too pleased with the shop, called Little Amsterdam, which provides an array of pipes, vibrators, and various other naughty bits. "We sell all sorts of smoking paraphernalia and adult erotica," owner Piet Manca said. "We have got hundreds of types of bongs for smoking and we sell cannabis seeds. Basically anything you can get out in Amsterdam up to the limit of the laws over here. On the adult side we sell rubber and leather fetish wear, whips and handcuffs and the like." Manca insisted his goods were "top quality and not at all tacky" and promised Hain special discounts. Hain has most ungraciously spat on Manca's offer. He has pledged to shut the shop down, despite the sketchy state of the Welsh economy. "This sort of thing is not needed here," a spokesman for the secretary said. Hmm… methinks Hain is out of touch with his constituency. Residents bemoan moaning from swingers club Just like me, I'm sure when you think Germans, you think tolerance, right? Think again, mein herren. The neighbors of a swingers club in Berlin are complaining that Zwielicht (which means both "twilight" and "dubious" in the Deutschland tongue) is ruining the quality of life in their post-totalitarianist neighborhood. A local court has shut down the club in the wake of these complaints. "There are other clubs and brothels in this area and the customers there don't make so much noise. They are more discreet," a court spokeswoman said. Ouch. Evidently, whores could learn a thing or two about squealing from the hausfraus.
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