Okay, so it's the day after Christmas and you're stuffed to the gills with goose, packed with prime rib, hefty from ham, and crammed with cranberry sauce. A trip to that evil enemy, the scale, reveals that you're either wearing 10-pound snow boots or mom's mince pie has done a number on your waistline. What's a person to do?
You're options are limited —you can either do a crapload of speed for a few weeks, or you can peel off the pound with sensible diet and exercise. And since neither of these sounds like very much fun (particularly the latter), I've got another one. Fuck those calories away!
Here's a list of popular sex-related activities, and the amount of calories each one burns (courtesy of our pals at Sex News Daily). So have fun burnin' off that fudge, and God bless us, every one.
 Removing your partner's clothes:
With consent—12 Calories
Without consent—187 Calories
Opening her bra:
With both hands—8 Calories
With one hand—12 Calories
With your teeth—85 Calories
Putting on a condom:
With an erection—6 Calories
Without an erection—315 Calories
Foreplay:
Trying to find the clitoris—8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot—92 Calories
Positions:
Missionary—12 Calories
69 lying down—78 Calories
69 standing up—112 Calories
Wheelbarrow—216 Calories
Doggy Style—326 Calories
Italian chandelier—912 Calories
Orgasms:
Real—112 Calories
False—315 Calories
 Post-orgasm:
Lying in bed hugging—18 Calories
Getting up immediately—36 Calories Explaining why you got out of bed immediately—816 Calories
Getting a second erection:
If you are:
20-29 years old—36 Calories
30-39 years—80 Calories
40-49 years—124 Calories
50-59 years—972 Calories
60-69 years—2916 Calories
70 and over—Yeah, right
Dressing afterwards:
Calmly—32 Calories
In a hurry—98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door—1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door—3521 Calories
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Top Ten Things About Xmas
10. Company holiday parties with spiked eggnog.
9. Making extra cash with that bell and Salvation Army bucket you stole last year.
8. Lights on houses make taking acid more fun.
7. Plastic nativity scene is perfect for filming pornos about Jesus.
6. All the girls that sit on your lap when you play Santa.
5. Tracking down the "naughty" girls on that email list you bought off Santa.
4. Elves satisfy your fetish for little people.
3. Stuffing your girlfriend's stocking.
2. Your new mistletoe belt buckle.
1. Keeping Mrs. Claus company while Santa's away.
Top Ten Xmas Porn Movies
10. Bah, Humpbug
9. Old Saint Dick
8. Stocking Stuffer's
7. Naughty Not Nice
6. Up the North Pole
5. Chimney Sliders
4. Ebeneezer Screws
3. Not So Tiny Tim
2. On Donna, On Vixen
1. Charles Dicksen's: A Chris for Carol |
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