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Highlights from the world of sex. You know, normally I try not to dissect issues of morality, but I have a fantasy that I'd have to say is totally, objectively wrong. No shades of gray, no room for subjective justification. Just plain wrong. In it, I'm at a grungy warehouse rave in Austin, TX, and out of nowhere Jenna Bush asks me if I know where to get the not-so-new-but-still-stylish club drug Foxy. I hook her up with the half-hallucinogen, half-aphrodisiac, and next thing you know we're locked in the bathroom and she's all over me. She tells me she's pissed off at the old man and wants to do something bad to spite him. I whisper in her ear, "Anal." Soon I've got her up on the bathroom sink and her face is smashed against the mirror, and I'm riding the Hershey Highway, while she's calling me "daddy." People are pounding on the door, she's rubbing her clit, and I'm smacking her milky white, wide hips like I'm Slim Pickens on a nuclear missile. Of course, like any good porn fantasy, we come at the same time and live happily ever after, or at least the next couple of minutes. I really don't know what that has to do with this story, other than the fact that it involves Dubya, but what the hell? When I finally drop dead of some agonizing chronic disease, I feel you all should know why god would hate me so much. For what other fate could he afford someone who would spoil such an innocent child of nature, pure as the driven snow? Well, maybe not so pure. In fact, as much as our heroic president may talk about abstinence, something tells me that Jenna's probably about as chaste as Britney "Why of course I'm a virgin!" Spears. Not to mention the scads of sloppy college pussy her dad helped himself to in his gory glory days. What, you say, a rich, coke-addled oil magnate brat getting laid at will? I know it sounds far-fetched, but you're gonna have to trust me on this one. Nevertheless, Bush loves the "A" word (no, not anal, you sick fucks… abstinence!), and his ridiculous invocation of this obsolete ideology is creeping up even in places you might think were immune, pardon the pun, such as the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. This month, the CDC yanked a page on its website that spoke of the advantages of using condoms during sex. Instead, it is now stressing that the use of condoms is not a 100 percent guarantee against contracting sexually transmitted diseases, and that, "The surest way to avoid transmission of sexually transmitted diseases is to abstain from sexual intercourse, or to be in a long-term mutually monogamous relationship with a partner who has been tested and you know is uninfected." Yeesh, what a buzzkill. Still, for anyone with a half a brain and an active libido, this is not exactly breaking news. But its emphasis on the CDC website, as well as omissions concerning safer sex practices and proper condom use, has drawn some ire, since it's no big secret that Bush has a real hard-on for all that abstinence crap. House Democrats have accused the administration of censoring scientific opinion in an effort to "distort and suppress scientific information for ideological purposes." It looks like we'll be dealing with the "A" word for a while, despite its ignorant, unrealistic and, really, hurtful nature. Abstinence as a social policy is worse than a pipe dream, it's a crack pipe dream, and as a nation it's time for us to put down the pipe and deal with reality before more kids get hurt. For more on our feelings about abstinence see Abstinence: Bad for Kids Sex toys for swine?  We could learn quite a bit from the Dutch. People in the Netherlands have for some time been willing to indulge folks with various forms of pleasure, from pot to red light pussy, so why not extend this philosophy to our friends in the animal kingdom?A Dutch company, concerned with handling the issue of artificially inseminating pigs in the most humane way possible, has determined that the best way to do it is to let the female sows have a little fun while procreating. This means getting the pigs aroused so that they enjoy the process (and there's also a small argument that it makes the process easier). Of course, what better way to get a female of any species aroused than to use a vibrator? Shit, it's saved at least a couple of my own relationships. So the MS Reflexator of the Schippers company in the southern Dutch town of Bladel has developed a vibrator hooked up to a sperm reservoir. The swine become aroused "in no time," according to company officials, and are then pumped full of pig spuzz for their trouble. If you ask me, the greatest thing about their invention is that you can point your finger at the device and scream, "Pig fucker!" without anyone being offended.
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