I'll admit, living in one of this country's most liberal cities sometimes gives me a feeling of insularity from much of the stupidity that occurs in more conservative regions.
I'm not apologizing, of course; if I wanted to get harassed like Kevin Bacon in Footloose every time I pop into the friendly, neighborhood adult toy store for free condoms, I'd move somewhere else.
Someplace like Georgia, where a Cobb County Superior Court judge issued a 30-day restraining order last week against two strip clubs that recently expanded their businesses into selling sex toys.
And he was perfectly within his rights to do so, as these items have been deemed obscene by local standards, and therefore their sale is against both state and local law.
An attorney for one of the clubs, Boomers, argued that the items aren't meant for sexual stimulation at all. Oh no, they are instead "novelty items," intended, one might assume, to provide a focus for small talk at social functions. He insisted his client's civil rights were being infringed upon by the judge's injunction, and clearly disagreed with the function of said injunction. (Sorry, I had to do it… )
Cyprus Lounge, the other strip club in question, chose not to challenge the injunction so openly, most likely because they were scared shitless of having their whole operation squashed by a good ol' boy judge seeking vengeance for their audacity.
Or maybe they were just too busy that day clearing vibrators from their shelves before Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane and his trusty hound, Flash, could come by and smash 'em with a two-by-four. Law & Order, Pt. 2
Too bad there's no way I can phonetically mimic that cool sound that begins every chapter of a Law & Order episode, but I can't. Really, I sat here and played with various combinations of vowels and consonants, but for the life of me couldn't come up with anything. So you'll have to use your imagination (just as I have to use my imagination to fantasize about delicious D.A. Elizabeth Rohm "prosecuting" me to the fullest extent of the law… oh my!).
Anyway, here's another tale of sexually uptight silliness from a far-off land; this time, Michigan.
Apparently, the management of a reputable hotel near Detroit Metropolitan Airport got a fax from the mother of a 17-year-old boy who warned of a possible "big sex party" occurring in one of their suites. The boy had received an email alerting him to this party which "gave specific instructions about how to get there and how to get to the room and how to avoid being detected," according to Romulus Police Lt. John Leacher.
Sure enough, when police followed the lead they discovered a sign-up sheet, live videotaping, and of course, the party itself, which contained about 50-60 men and, uh… three women. Oh wait, lemme see here, that can't… no, that's right, three women.
Now, I don't know how they do things out in Michigan, but here in Cali we don't call that a sex party, we call it a sausage party. You know, the kind of party that every girl fears being caught in, where there's scores of dateless nerds for every female. Sure, it sounds like fun, but… Luckily for some, the party's lookouts managed to alert a few attendees, who promptly high-tailed it outta there just as cops stormed the suite (ahh, echoes of the Tom Hanks masterpiece Bachelor Party… no coke-sniffing sex donkey, though. Notice how that just rolls of your tongue? Go ahead, say it… coke-sniffing sex donkey.).
Unfortunately (at least for him), the man authorities called the "ringleader" didn't escape so easily, and the local D.A. is presently mulling over the sundry prosecutorial options available, including pandering and operating a house of prostitution, both of which are felonies.
Clearly we're not talking about a criminal mastermind here, so my empathy for the guy who orchestrated this mess is minimal. However, I do take exception to Leacher's description of the event.
"There was all kinds of stuff going on," Leacher said. "There was live sex with all kinds of sex acts."
Gosh golly willickers, you mean all kinds of stuff? Wow! I mean, as the late Nell Carter would have said, "Gimme a break!" I'm sure our insipid dolt of a president would marvel at this officer's verbal eloquence, but I have to admit I'm not very impressed. Close your eyes and you can almost see him blushing.
No wonder this country's in such a mess.
It takes two, baby
Here's another one from our "What the fuh?" science file.
It all begins innocently enough with our 23-year-old Croatian heroine, who is surprised one day to find out she is pregnant. This, despite the fact that she has an "active sex life" (basically a euphemism for having gone around the block more times than the ice cream man).
Later, she is further surprised by the news that the stork has doubly blessed her with twins! Glory be! Our brave little single mom, a student in Zagreb, gives birth to both bundles of joy without incident.
That is, until scientists discover that the non-identical twins were actually fathered by different guys, a phenomenon that occurs in nature about as often as 300-foot radioactive lizards who have the insatiable need to stomp the living shit outta Tokyo.
Unfortunately, the question that haunts me isn't answered by the data available. Basically, what I wanna know is, was this miraculous conception the result of a torrid double-stuff? (And I'm not talking Oreos here, kids… I'm talking about two trains in the ol' tunnel at the same time.) I mean, what the hell is the window of opportunity for something like that?
Stay tuned here for what will surely be the equally exciting announcement of the world's first gang-bang quintuplets…
fiction
Someplace like Georgia, where a Cobb County Superior Court judge issued a 30-day restraining order last week against two strip clubs that recently expanded their businesses into selling sex toys.
Now, I don't know how they do things out in Michigan, but here in Cali we don't call that a sex party, we call it a sausage party. You know, the kind of party that every girl fears being caught in, where there's scores of dateless nerds for every female. Sure, it sounds like fun, but… Luckily for some, the party's lookouts managed to alert a few attendees, who promptly high-tailed it outta there just as cops stormed the suite (ahh, echoes of the Tom Hanks masterpiece Bachelor Party… no coke-sniffing sex donkey, though. Notice how that just rolls of your tongue? Go ahead, say it… coke-sniffing sex donkey.).