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![]() Everyone's talking about war, except for me in this column. It hasn't really been a conscious thing, it's just that there's been little about our very controversial plan to bomb the living shit out of Iraq that could be spun into a sex angle. I think one thing that has contributed to people's anxiety about the impending and seemingly inevitable conflict has been a feeling of helplessness. Americans and Brits ask, what can I do? So far, this feeling has been harnessed into massive protests all across the globe, with millions protesting what they feel is an unjust and downright corrupt invasion. (Hey, it takes some shady doings to make people empathize with Saddam Hussein, and it's awfully embarrassing to be accused of warmongering by the Germans… the Germans, fer fuck's sake!) But what has this accomplished? Fuck-all is what. World leaders have shrugged off these protests as insignificant, almost quaint displays of tolerant democracies that are kind enough not to mow the demonstrators down like overgrown grass. So maybe it's time to hit 'em where it hurts… or rather, not hit 'em where it feels good. ![]() In case you were sniffing liquid paper during drama class in high school and may have missed it, Lysistrata rocked the Greek box office in 415 B.C. Written by Aristophanes, the play focuses on a group of Greek women who, frustrated by their spouses' constant state of war, vow to hold out on their men until peace is attained. Eventually the men on both sides of the conflicts are driven bat-shit by a backup of boner broth and agree to a truce. (The Greeks were pretty hip—unlike later cultures who would seek to obscure or damn the idea of natural female desires, the ancient Greek play demonstrates the difficulty the women have in sticking to their own plan. Of course, they didn't have Hitachi vibrators back then… ) The cause has gained a lot of support among female celebrities and actresses in Denmark and 56 other counties, where readings of the play took place yesterday in an effort to raise awareness and try to convince women to take part in the protest. The readings were also expected to raise money for charities working for peace and humanitarian aid in the Middle East and elsewhere. Spokespeople for the project are targeting the wives of world leaders in particular. Danish actress Anne-Marie Helger told BBC News Online: "Mrs. Blair, Mrs. Bush and (the wife of the Danish PM) Mrs. Rasmussen should stay out of their husbands' beds until they call their dogs off." Now if they could only convince their mistresses. That'll teach her a lesson I've heard tales of jealousy tarnishing a relationship, but this one takes the cock… erm, cake. Sure, we've all been there before—dealing with a suspicious partner who, no matter how hard you try, you can't convince of your fidelity. Whether you're male or female, straight, gay, bisexual, monogamous, polyamorous, it doesn't matter. These jealous partners can either drive you to drink or stray into another's arms. And how's that for irony? Either of the above options would have worked fine for the Filipino guy in this story, but no. Evidently he couldn't be bothered with sanity either. ![]() According to a Manila paper, the man wrapped his perforated pee-pee in a newspaper and threw it through the window of his wife's parents' house in the northwestern town of Malasiqui. "So you will not suspect I am courting another girl," the Philippine Star reported the man shouted as he made his offering. Luckily, although this idiot seems to have lost all his faculties (and then some) his wife realized the gravity of the situation and rushed to the police, who employed an embalmer to keep the, um, meat from going bad. As of press time it was unknown whether the tool had been properly returned to its master.
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