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Teagan Presley: Photo spread and interview with one of Digital Playground's hottest starlets. More»
4-22-2003



Cuckoldry in Brady Bunch territory

God doesn't like when I take acid in Rolling Hills Estates, an affluent seaside community 25 miles southwest of Los Angeles.

In two unrelated circumstances, I've ended up in a local jail cell with a head full of LSD, experiencing sensations ranging from full-blown lunacy to mild discomfort to outright boredom.

Maybe it's because a half-Mexican kid from the ghetto had no business taking his 1973 Dodge Dart into the gaping maw of conservative white hillside suburbia (it's been rumored that the house shown in the opening credits of The Brady Bunch is in the little town, and that even Bruce Springsteen has a place there).

Funny, though, that God didn't mind when I'd drive the seaside route known locally as Portuguese Bend with my lesbian girlfriend (don't ask), a septum packed with cheap cocaine and a gizzard full of wine. God can be a hypocritical asshole sometimes.

And while I'm sure it's still the case that cops pull over brown and black kids driving old cars at a far higher ratio than sun-baked blond white kids in Grand Cherokees, last week RHE at least found its way into modern society on one level when local officials repealed an old law banning "immoral conduct."

The ordinance, which was silly even back when it was instated upon the town's incorporation in 1957, was recently discovered by a local resident poring over RHE's municipal code. Geez, I mean, it's great that this guy found this stupid law and it's getting off the books, but talk about having too much time on your hands… would somebody get this guy laid or get him satellite TV or something?

City officials were unsure if anyone had been cited for breaking the law and couldn't figure out why it was put there in the first place. Being convicted under the ordinance could result in a $250 fine or three months in jail. I can attest, though, that it is a nice, clean jail, and some of those young RHE cop chicks are pretty hot.

"Why this particular law has been dormant and allowed to remain on the books all these years is anyone's guess," City Attorney Mike Jenkins said. "I doubt it had anything to do with the rate of adultery in Rolling Hills."

Well, I don't know about that. If there's anyplace that you'd think would suffer from "bored, post-surgery, hot housewife buggering the poolboy" syndrome, Rolling Hills would have to be it. Not to mention "egotistical, materialistic asshole getting blown under the desk by the tarty young administrative assistant" complex. Fuckin' white people…

Presbyterian minister rebuked for marrying gays


Um, okay, well first of all I should clarify that were not talking about a minister getting married to a bunch of gay guys. I think most everyone would conclude that, yes… that could be very wrong.

But, no, we're talking about an Ohio Presbyterian minister who had the balls to challenge the silly doctrines of the church by marrying same-sex couples, and even ordaining gays.

In response, church officials convicted the Rev. Stephen Van Kuiken Monday of violating church law. In the church's first trial on the practice, the court straddled the line on the gay issue, rebuking Van Kuiken, but refraining from suspending him or removing him from ministry.

Meanwhile, to further complicate things, the court acquitted Van Kuiken on another charge of ordaining gays who won't adhere to a Presbyterian requirement of chastity.

Van Kuiken, 44, pastor of Mount Auburn Presbyterian Church in nearby Cincinnati, freely admits to performing the ceremonies and ordaining gays. According to the minister, the church is facing a crisis of theological intolerance.

For a Presbyterian minister, Van Kuiken sure continues to show he has quite a pair on him. He's stated he would appeal a guilty verdict, and has also said he will continue to ordain gays and to marry same-sex couples. Take that, fascists!

Oh grow up, for fuck's sake

Everybody knows that college is a place where individuals can broaden their viewpoints, experience new things, open one's mind.

And everyone who's been to college knows that the system is filled with imbeciles who have no interest in any of that crap. They cling to stupidity like monkeys clinging to a tree, despite the best efforts of faculty and their peers.

One such twit, who has chosen to remain anonymous (no big surprise there), is causing quite a stir over a sexuality course taught at the University of Kansas campus in Topeka, after the student says she was upset over course materials she found "obscene."

The student claimed that she was upset at films shown in the class, as well as what she considered inappropriate comments and humor made by professor Dennis Dailey. Meanwhile, faculty and students have jumped to the defense of Dailey, who has taught his human sexuality course for 20 years without complain (until now, that is).

University officials say Dailey has a long and distinguished career, and the class is one of the most popular at the university, regularly filling a 500-seat auditorium.

This hasn't stopped state Senator Susan Wagle from stepping into the fray. The university says it is investigating Wagle's complaints that class materials are pornographic, and she has attached a provision to withhold money to the state's main budget bill in response.

Gov. Kathleen Sebelius has called the amendment "micromanaging" academic material but has not said whether she will use her line-item veto to eliminate it. Wagle claims materials used by Dailey are pornographic, and she says this constitutes harassment of female students.

"I just can't imagine being a female and sitting through that class," Wagle said.

However, there are females who not only can imagine sitting through the non-essential course, but actually did, and learned a lot about sexuality and themselves through it.

"I absolutely do not see any of the class conducted in an offensive manner," said Jen Hein, one of the students who met with the governor's staff.

Kelly Graf, a KU student from Wichita, told Knight Ridder she found none of Dailey's course materials nor his remarks demeaning to women.

"He does interject humor, and he does joke about it to keep it light-hearted," said Graf, a business major who plans to pursue a law degree.

Hein, a journalism student, agreed.

"If anything, as women we come out of that class feeling better about ourselves," she said.

Well, God forbid. I bet this little frigid whore who complained, as well as Wagle, are so out of touch with their sexuality that they still wear maxi-pads, afraid God will smite them (he's doing a lot of that in this column today) for the sin of inserting tampons within themselves.

News Briefs - by Steve Robles Top of the Guide

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