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 Yes, Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (geez, how redundant can ya get?) is the disease du jour, and you heard it here last. That’s right, by my calculations, this should be the only media outlet on the planet that hasn’t yet delved into the subject of SARS (until now, that is). I think even Martha Stewart’s Living has dealt with it by now. And lest ye reproach us for our lack of journalistic responsibility, there’s very good reason we haven’t broached this issue yet. The sad, ugly fact of SARS is that it’s just not very sexy.  Perhaps nobody is more aware of this than the usually happy-go-lucky streetwalkers of Singapore. This normally lighthearted lot is really suffering from SARS—well, if not from the disease itself, than the effect is has had on their typically thriving marketplace.The Taipei Times has reported that business has been as limp as Dan Savage at a Hooters restaurant for Thai street girls. SARS fears have resulted in plummeting profits for the prostitutes, who now have to resort to shouting “No SARS!” from outside local hotels. Trepidation on behalf of customers is well deserved. At least 25 people have died from the contagious infection so far. A Thai streetwalker identified as Pern told The Sunday Times men eye her from a distance now, trying to figure out if she is well. When they get around to negotiating a price, some touch her on the forehead to check for fever, the 27-year-old said. Business is "bad, very bad now," Pern was quoted as saying. Prior to the SARS outbreak she had seven or eight customers in one night. "Now, not more than five. Sometimes one or two." Shaggin’ in the wagon Just for the record, I have to admit I’m not the biggest fan of public sex. Maybe it’s because, more often than not, my explorations into this phenomenon have ranged from unimpressive to disastrous. Case in point—when I was living in Los Angeles, I had just started dating a girl whose father had been a classical violinist. So, to impress her (and him to an extent), I took her to see the L.A. Philharmonic perform one of the few pieces I know, Holst’s The Planets, at the Hollywood Bowl. We had a cool little picnic (classic Bowl behavior) and a bunch of wine. By the time the Phil got around to the apocalyptic “Mars, the Bringer of War” we were both as horny as hell, and decided to have a go in the deserted women’s rest rooms. Now, like I said, I knew this suite pretty well, but I had no idea that it would be split into two with an intermission. So imagine my horror when the lights come up after “Jupiter,” with the two of us in mid-coitus as a horde of old ladies invade the lavatory. All we could do was watch from underneath the handicapped stall (yes, we’re going to hell) until all that was left was one blue-haired battle ax who suffered the misfortune of watching us exit from said stall. Yikes.  Meanwhile, usually staid Britons can’t get enough of having a roll in the hay, particularly once the hay has been pulled out of the barn and into the open. This according to www.safeoutdoorsex.com, which states that a full two thirds of Blighties had had a go outside of hearth and home.In a survey of 1,500 people the website said it found that 94 percent of those polled thought outdoor sex was a positive method towards maintaining an fresh and interesting relationship, with two-thirds copping to shaggin’ in the wagon and almost half admitting to the aforementioned hay humping. English people also seem to be partial to the beach, as 40 percent stated they could have been caught in flagrante delicto in, say, Devon. This seems like a really high number, unless they mean places outside of England like Jersey or Ibiza, where denizens engage in beachside buggery without batting an eyelash. "We are not advocating exhibitionism, recklessness or indecency," said Katherine Govier, organiser of the website which is backed by condom maker Mates. "Safe outdoor sex is about liberty and power and we believe that it's possible to enjoy your love life to the full without falling foul of the law." In other words, you should keep your vehicular rogering confined to minivans as opposed to Minis.
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