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 When I was growing up in the relatively sleepy South Bay suburbs outside of Los Angeles, pre-21 kids looking for a good time would almost inevitably end up cavorting with their peers at various fast-food establishments whose drive-thru service would cater to late night diners.  Each had their own charm—there was the Del Taco in the unincorporated area of Gardena, where police jurisdictional issues provided enough confusion to facilitate drunken drag racing; the In-N-Out Burger in my hometown of Carson, a really cool place to hang out provided you had enough drug-related ties to local gangsters to keep yourself safe; and, best of all, the Jack in the Box in San Pedro, where literally hundreds of local affluent white kids would gather in the almost frat-like parking lot (one time me and some friends stole a keg from a nearby party and used it to throw our own kegger right by where you’d order a Jumbo Jack).While this phenomenon has mostly dried up in these areas, it still continues to thrive in small town America, where frankly there isn’t a whole lot for kids to do besides the insanely stupid act of racing trains across tracks in a drunken stupor. Just this weekend, for example, asinine behavior ruled supreme at a central Ohio Wendy’s drive-thru as Nicholas J. Abele, 18, of Kentucky (natch) was caught standing through the sunroof of a truck waving around a foot-long, flesh-colored dildo in the parking lot. Abele was cited with one count of disorderly conduct. Apparently, passers-by had seen the fake phallus, must have been intimidated by its length, and phoned police to make sure no others would be forced to deal with their relative inadequacy. Late Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas must be turning somersaults in his grave. Wot organ?  In the wake of rampant sex scandals involving priests, many have suggested that a life of celibacy exacerbates the issue, and have called for reform in the Catholic Church by allowing priests to marry, as is the case in some Protestant branches.But certainly these reforms wouldn’t result in completely eradicating the issue of men of the cloth abusing their standing in the church, or even of simply behaving inappropriately. Not to mention what is often a sense of pious gall on behalf of those who feel they curry God’s favour. Illustrating this issue is the case of the Rev. Philip Gray, who presides at St. Mary the Virgin church in Mendlesham near Stowmarket, Suffolk. Turns out that Gray was proven through DNA testing to have sired the offspring of church organist Belinda Denton-Cardew five years ago. The organist requested the test to secure child support payments from the married vicar, which she did. Kinda begs the question: exactly wot organ was she playing, eh? Nudge nudge… The scandal has just recently surfaced, rocking Gray’s flock to the core. But not one to be wagged a finger at, the vicar is countering with claims that the sinful keyboard player must have drugged him and had fun with his inert form, so to speak. "I am the victim and not the perpetrator of a sinister scheme," he said. "I have a clear conscience and the backing of the diocesan and provincial bishops. After consultation with them I have their assurance my priesthood is not in jeopardy." Strangely enough, when he spun this yarn for police, the authorities balked, deciding not to look any further into the matter. Whether Gray’s congregation will be as skeptical remains to be seen. To be honest, when it comes to people of faith displaying common sense, I don’t have much… faith. Sex Ed done right We all know that college is the place where many of us first start getting a handle on our sexuality. Especially for those who, like me, spent their high school years wiling away dateless and dejected. Not bitter, though, oh no…  But usually it’s sloppy, scandalous, suds-soaked dorm/frat parties where much of this carnal knowledge is accessed. These are the great equalizers of young adult culture, where even overweight, bespectacled nerds have a shot at the Grail (most likely from girls who watched sexual titans the Tri-Lams from Revenge of the Nerds too many times).You wouldn’t, however, expect the educational institution itself to help you down this road of discovery, but the times they have a-changed. Western Washington University in Bellingham, WA, last week celebrated its 11th annual National Outdoor Intercourse Day observance, with activities like condom hunts and a masturbation information table. Shit, man, if that’s a curriculum, I should have a fuckin’ Ph.D. The student-run Sexual Awareness Center sponsored events focused on educating students about available resources the school offers on sexual topics. "Our goal is to help students sort out sexuality issues with clear and concise information," said center coordinator Lauren Luttrell, a senior at Western. "We want to get students communicating about sex. This is a perfect opportunity to do that in a safe, fun and open way." One of the more intriguing ways the center planned to accomplish this goal was through events like "Pornfest," which included a display, and "Porn and Popcorn," a showing of award-winning pornographic films along with discussion sessions. Umm, yeah… hold the butter on that, would ya?
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