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 No, we're not talking about Robbie Williams' strange ambition to make and star in a film about the Village People. It's how a Ft. Lauderdale, FL, prosecuting attorney warned jurors about the case they were about to sit in judgment on, concerning drag queens and the, yes, bizarre ritual of silicone pumping parties. On trial are Mark Hawkins, along with Donnie Hendricks, who prefers to use the name "Viva," both of whom are accused of killing drag queen Vera Lawrence at a "pumping party" where they injected silicone to enlarge her buttocks. The dastardly duo is also charged with practicing medicine without a license.  According to court documents, Hawkins and Viva are alleged to have injected 12,000 cc's of industrial strength silicone into each of Lawrence's buttocks. Kinda like that carnival midway game where you blow up the balloons that come out of clowns' heads with a water gun. Only in this instance, the clown dies of some horrific toxic shock.So far the most amazing revelation in pre-trial hearings has been the news that transsexuals actually paid the pumping pair up to $1000 to host each pumping party, which were meant for the trannies to achieve "body sculpting." I understand that tranny men want to be beautiful, shapely women. I wouldn't seek to deny anyone their right to desire such a thing. But, given the extremely toxic nature of injecting silicone into one's body (especially knowing the nightmare women face when silicone breast implants rupture), wouldn't it be easier to try to get that J. Lo ass the old-fashioned way, with Ding Dongs and onion rings? Imagine that; a practice that makes the consumption of Ding Dongs and onion rings seem safe by comparison… People are incredibly stupid sometimes. Remember the (very limited) fad that neo-hippies started that urged people to consume their own urine? Evidently, all the scientific data that indicates that urine is simply your body's way of getting rid of waste that your body finds unfit to absorb is some kind of conspiracy theory. Um, sure. But, as stupid as she most certainly must have been, Lawrence's tale is still sad, if only for the fact that these two human cancer cells are alleged to have taken full advantage of her. And continue to do so, even after her death—defense attorney George Reres said it was Lawrence's desire to have an "insane" amount of silicone injected into her body over the course of five years that over time caused her to essentially take her own life. The defending attorney began by instructing jurors to be prepared to hear testimony from witnesses who are not just "drag queens, but are also drama queens." Bitch! Unfortunately for his clients, if the jury's verdict goes against them, they'll be caught in their own nasty bit of drama, one that very likely could look quite a bit like HBO's Oz. Palm those pounds away! Speaking of silicon of a different sort, ever wonder how software developers get those awe-inspiring pasty physiques? Well, now their fitness secrets can finally be revealed. Those doughy engineers aren't just writing code all day, they're honin' the bone.  But pulling the pud is not only the tried and true exercise regimen for geeks on Unix boxes; millions of men, young and old, rely on their manual dexterity and the abundance on porn in modern culture to sculpt bodies that will not only fail to appeal to the opposite sex, but will also be incapable of such manly tasks as opening the twist-off cap on a bottle what the English call "bitch piss" and the Americans call "cheer beer"—you know, stuff like Bacardi Silver and Smirnoff Ice.Now, a sports trainer writing for Japan's Hanachi no Channel magazine is seeking to legitimize this underground exercise ritual by promoting something he calls "The Masturbator's Diet." Never mind that it's more of a training routine than a diet. According to the writer, the enigmatic "Mr. F," this isn't a program for any old flabby jerk-off, as it's as strenuous as doing push-ups or sit-ups in a sauna. He cautions those suffering from high blood pressure, who are easily winded or who suffer from a history of cardiac problems. And not just any form of beating it will suffice. According to "Mr. F," the ideal position for a good, aerobic yank is leaning back in a chair, with the heels raised about 10 centimeters off the floor. It should be continued for four to five minutes. "This puts tension on the stomach muscles," he says. "You do it while speaking out loud for 10 seconds and then rest for two seconds, and repeat the process. "Try it for a month," he suggests. "One of my pupils did and trimmed eight centimeters off his waist." Not to call into question the expertise of "Mr. F," but how come I've been doing this for almost 20 years and still look like Chris Farley if he had lived next door to a Krispy Kreme?
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