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 As god is my witness, that’s the longest headline I’ve ever written, and probably will ever write. But after you read about this next story, you’ll forgive me my indulgence. Just for added entertainment, we’ll handle this like a Law & Order episode: Jung! It’s morning outside the home of Shane Chartres-Abbot in the sunny suburban Australian town of Reservoir, outside of Melbourne. Police arrive as the 28-year-old lies dead from multiple gunshot wounds. There are two witnesses, his girlfriend and her father, who tell police that two men attacked them in broad daylight, giving the father a short, sharp shock and Chartres-Abbot “a deadly case of lead poisoning,” as Lenny Briscoe might say. Well, it turns out that the young man is the focus of a salacious trial, wherein he is accused of brutally attacking a 30-year-old woman who had been retaining his services. You see, Chartres-Abbot is a male prostitute.  But not just any male prostitute—he’s a male prostitute who also claims to be a vampire, centuries-old, with a penchant for sadomasochistic sex, allegedly carrying a black bag of sexual accessories, including a dildo, whip, ropes, condoms and handcuffs. And, like any self-respecting creature of darkness, he feeds on blood for survival.Which might certainly explain why he would so ruthlessly attack his victim/client, who was found in a fetal position in the shower cubicle of a room in South Yarra's Hotel Saville on Aug. 17 last year, half conscious, blood bubbling from her mouth, with bruising to her neck and jaw, teeth marks in her thigh and a five-centimeter piece of her tongue ripped out. It would most certainly not explain her anal rape while bound to the hotel room bed. Evidently, Anne Rice must have left that aspect of bloodsucker culture out of her Vampire Chronicles. (Though, with all that homoeroticism, she certainly had opportunity, if not motive.) Jung! But wait, it gets even stranger. During the trial, Chartres-Abbot’s attorney alleged the victim was really quite the perpetrator, and with an accomplice had actually tried to lure the suspect into a snuff film, only to get cold feet after developing an attraction to him. How’s that for pulling a fast one? This guy could have been part of O.J.’s “Dream Team.” Nevertheless, this was the defense’s case, and it was right in the midst of making it (with Chartres-Abbot reportedly feeling “confident” with how it was shaping up) when the alleged fledgling Dracula was gunned down… in the neck, for irony’s sake. (No silver bullet, though… ) According to a local paper, Senior Sergeant Clive Rust said police believed Chartres-Abbott was ambushed. "It does surprise me, obviously it appears to be a planned attack, and yes, quite vicious," he said. A booking agent at Cloud Nine Escorts, where the suspect/victim worked, who would only go by the name of Tracey, said the claims that Chartres-Abbott was a vampire and specialized in sadomasochism were all "rubbish." "Quite frankly what he was, was a normal, outgoing friendly young man who enjoyed life's experiences," she said. Evidently. Fish porn… ‘nuff said See? How’s that headline for brevity? My editor, Cara Bruce, is deeply disturbed by this next story. Apparently, the research developed in the following falls under her “Why the fuck are people spending money to learn this useless horseshit?” category. She may be right, but seeing as how I’m a fan of factoids that have absolutely no impact or relevance upon my own life and the lives of most others, I’m obligated to report it to you. It seems that after some painstaking studies, Swiss scientists at the University of Fribourg have discovered that fish like porn. Yup.  But the stickleback fishies in this study aren’t going to be heading to the local video store to check out the latest Tera Patrick flick. Because, appropriately enough, these fish respond to… fish porn.That’s right, fish porn. The 17 sticklebacks in the study were exposed to computer-generated images (just like Finding Nemo! Uh, yeah… ) of hot fish bitches in a courtship ritual by virile scale-y studs, as well as to images of a male caring for his brood. After the viewings, researchers dropped a real, live female into the tank. Let’s just say that the fish got their spawn on at a much more aggressive rate after the courtship screenings. So basically, human scientists used god knows how much funding to figure out that porn is not specific to humans. Yes, porn has universal appeal that transcends all species. But didn’t we already know that?
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