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 Man, have I been to a ton of weddings this month. This isn’t so unusual, considering that June is the official wedding month. I have no fucking clue why this is, except that maybe June signifies some kind of renewal of nature, when summer begins and the air is filled with possibilities. Of course, weddings are a pretty powerful symbol for those possibilities, and sometimes just as often for the bad ones as the good ones (especially if you’re a certain Latin pop/film star whose breath smells like taco-flavored kisses). As exciting as weddings can be, there is no denying that matrimony eventually settles into a steady rhythm, sometimes also referred to as brain-numbing monotony. The key is to remember that, despite this, people get out of marriages whatever they put into them, and there are some simple, basic things both partners can do to make things run like a well-tuned Honda. Men, you really need to learn to put that toilet seat down. Abandon all your principles and arguments and just do it. Trust me, you really need to prioritize when it comes to drawing lines in the sand, and this one just isn’t worth it. Women, you really need to learn that there is no cosmic combination of love, sex, and commitment that will ever “cure” a man of his need for and relationship with the medium of porn. Yes, it’s a hard lesson to learn, but just remember that if your man ever married Jill Kelly, he’d be checking out pictures of you on the Internet while she slept.  Whatever you do, you don’t want to learn this lesson the hard way, like this Michigan woman.According to police (and you know just by that attribution that things are gonna go bad in this story), Lavoisier D. Washington, 38, of Pontiac, was busy minding his own business, so to speak, surfing some porn at home on the couple’s PC. His wife, upon discovering this, his second online wandering in as many days, was quite upset. Apparently she hadn’t taken my nuptial advice, and moreover said she was upset because their children were in the next room sleeping. The wife confronted Washington, who evidently balked at her demand that he suspend his prurient edification. Upon this she grabbed a pair of scissors and told him that she was going to sever the cable line into the computer. Bad idea. Whether the suspect was so enrapt in his appreciation of the online art form that this threat incited him to blind rage, or he just couldn’t bear the idea of having to go down to Radio Shack to replace the cord, something in Washington snapped. He grabbed a gun, pointed it at his wife’s temple, and suggested that the whole cable cutting idea maybe wasn’t in the cards. The couple’s children, ironically awoken by the confrontation despite the crux of the wife’s complaint (whether they saw the site in the ensuing melee is uncertain), stepped in and tried to help their mother, with one leaving to phone the police. Washington then went to his mother's Pontiac home and tried to hide the gun there. Officers, who arrested him as he walked outside, found a loaded semiautomatic handgun inside. Washington, a city firefighter, was charged with felonious assault and carrying a concealed weapon. His boss told a local paper that he suspended Washington without pay following the alleged incident, and will try to fire the eight-year veteran of the department. I wonder if they had a June wedding. Give your dick long-lasting freshness with Big Rod Always wanted to try that little blue pill, but prefer your erection assistance in a more chewable format? Well, the makers of Juicyfruit, Doublemint and Big Red may have just found your solution. Wm. Wrigley Jr., the Chicago gum company, has been granted a U.S. government patent to develop a gum that contains a dose of the generic chemical in Viagra. Wrigley’s plan is to market a chewing gum that delivers a dose of sildenafil citrate, the chemical name for Pfizer Corp.’s Viagra. In the government document which was filed in 2000, Wrigley researchers said the gum would provide “an improved dosage form and method of treating erectile dysfunction.”  The gum could be used by patients suffering from weak stomachs or swallowing disorders such as dysphagia, according to the patent. Upset stomach is one of the side effects of taking Viagra.The gum would not only be easier on the stomach, it would work faster than Viagra. Wrigley states that a man would need to chew the gum for two minutes about a half-hour prior to sex. One would hope that the effect of the chemical would last longer than the sugary flavor of, say, Juicyfruit, which is notorious for losing its potency (!) in no time flat. Whatever the case, don’t hold your, um, breath for that new, more virile form of Big Red. It probably won’t be coming (sorry) any time soon, seeing as how Pfizer holds the patent until 2011. Spokesmen for Wrigley’s are, in fact, downplaying the patent acquisition, saying the company has no immediate plans to send a finished product out to market. Hmm… too bad Bazooka Joe didn’t beat ‘em to it.
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