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 Sure, masturbation is the most fun you can have for free in the company of nobody but yourself, but can it have therapeutic effects? (By the way, a note to the ladies: I admire and truly respect the leaps and bounds you've made in rendering the idea of masturbation a non-gender-specific concept. I really do. But this one's strictly for the boys… )  Most men don't need an excuse to whittle the weenus, and the mere suggestion that something good could actually come out of it (no pun intended), even were it as relatively superficial as acne prevention, would be excellent (if unnecessary) justification to spend even more quality time with one's self.But researchers in the land Down Under have done much better than that—they've discovered that it may even prevent that most dreaded male affliction, prostate cancer. According to New Scientist magazine, the researchers say the more men ejaculate between the ages of 20 and 50, the more they seemed to be protected against prostate cancer. Scientists from the Cancer Council Victoria in Melbourne asked 1,079 men with prostate cancer about their sexual habits. Their answers were then compared to those given by 1,259 healthy men who were free of the disease. The research seems to bear out that men in their 20s who spank the monkey incessantly fare best when it comes to avoiding the disease. These habitual jerkoffs were as much as a third less likely to contract prostate cancer in their later years, according to the study published in BJU International. Researchers report that their findings are at odds with previous studies that claimed a high level of sexual activity or multiple partners could actually increase the risk of contracting the disease. But what was different about this study was its focus on ejaculations, as opposed to frequency of sexual intercourse. Lead researcher Graham Giles, who will now be forever renowned as an expert in the art of self-gratification, speculated that the act of, uh, "cleaning the pipes" on a regular basis (thus avoiding a dangerous buildup) might be the key factor in not getting prostate cancer. "It's a prostatic stagnation hypothesis," Giles said, as if anybody knew what the fuck he was talking about. "The more you flush the ducts out, the less there is to hang around and damage the cells that line them." As someone depressingly deep into his 30s, all this news might be a little late for me had I not spent my entire 20s "preparing" myself for just this very scenario. Call it a hunch, but something told me that all of that beating off to the sight of a poodle-haired Ginger Lynn was gonna pay off big some day. Between that, Viagra, and science's panicked attempts to eliminate the annual colonoscopy ritual from the reality of older men (before these scientists themselves are subjected to 'em), maybe turning 40 won't be such a fucking nightmare after all. Yeah, right. Look, ma! I ruined my penis! You might think that writing a digest of sexually-related news items would be easy. It's not. Not to sound whiney or ungrateful, but oh, the cross that I bear. Sure sometimes it's fun, but other times, despite my personal mission to educate the masses about sex and sexuality, I have to deal with a guy like Walter Schmidt. See, this 26-year-old Munich man somehow got it into his head that his dinky winky could be transformed into some giant John Holmes-esque, fear-inspiring weiner through the miracle of plastic surgery. Uh, he was mistaken.  Because no matter what any quack tries to tell you, God Himself won't allow you to have a fully functioning penis that's any larger than what you were given at birth. It's best to just accept it as his Divine Plan, get really good at oral sex, and move on. Trust me.Schmidt, however, shook his fist at his maker and desperately tried to defy nature, even resorting to borrowing £5,000 from his mother. Could you imagine that conversation? Man, you couldn't pay me enough to just say the word "penis" to my mom, let alone a whole speech in which I describe my inadequacies, and follow it up with some shameful penis-related panhandling. And after all of that, what did our industrious German have to show for it? Well, according to Schmidt, constant pain, a limp, and a pyramid-shaped pecker that's actually shorter than it was before! Okay, I'll allow you a second to compose yourself. Here's a Kleenex for the tears (of laughter) streaming down your face. Anyway, God has, of course, unleashed His full wrath on Walter, with the man's demand of a refund falling on the deaf ears of both His Heavenly Majesty and the questionable physicians who administered the procedure. "It's shaped like a triangle now after one of the implants slipped down the bottom," Schmidt simpered. "It's thick at the bottom and pointed at the top, and every time I put a condom on it falls off." Schmidt says his penis is now two centimeters shorter. Might not sound like much, but something tells me the man wasn't working with very much to begin with. But it's no surprise that the worst part is having to pay back mom, who's likely not very impressed by the whole affair. "I still owe my mum £4,000 of the £5,000 I borrowed and I want a refund so I can pay her back." I'm sure that effort will go well for Walter. Probably about as well as the penis extension itself.
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