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So you've always been curious about watching porn, but you've never actually gotten up the nerve to grab a tape and give it to the skinny, pimply guy behind the counter just to have him look over your selection and then look you over. Or maybe you've made it to the video store, but the selection of box covers with big-titted blondes all look the same and you have no idea what to get. Or perhaps you watch porn all the time but your loving girlfriend has finally agreed to go rent one with you and you want to be able to pick out a prime porno like a pro. As I'm sure you've already noticed, there is an obscene amount of adult videos to choose from. While for the porn aficionado this may be a good thing, for those of you novices this may be a test in trials and tribulations. I'm sorry, but there is really no way around this. Until you've identified your basic porno preferences, you're going to have to do a bit of experimenting. Rent a variety of different titles before you decide that you simply don't like porn. Because while in the beginning, the huge range may be heart-stopping, this also means that there is something that more than likely will have your heart pounding. But, even though you are going to have to be prepared for some real losers, below are some tips to help you navigate your way through the adult section at the video store and at least steer you in the (hopefully) right direction. Just like books, don't judge XXX movies by their covers. Lesson #1: Often, what's inside the box has absolutely nothing to do with what's on the cover. No joke. There is probably a 50 percent chance that whoever wrote the box cover copy never even saw the tape. Amazing as this may seem, even more amazing is that some video production companies spend more money on box covers than on the entire video production. But, don't fear, the box cover can help you with some things. They can tell you the genre of the video: whether it's gonzo (some guy with a home video camera filming the local sorority house), a plot-driven feature (remember those ‘70s Boogie Nights-type films?), or wall-to-wall (a bunch of sex scenes strung together—often having nothing in common but anal sex, or blow jobs, or blondes getting buttfucked while giving blowjobs). In the case of porn, photos speak a hundred words: Some DD-implanted woman being fucked doggy-style by a line of 100 men. Do you know who Jenna Jameson is? You should. Lesson #2: Before you go hunting for the ultimate video, acquaint yourself with adult video basics. Check out a few websites and pick out some stars that look good to you. Look at a women-friendly store such as www.goodvibes.com or www.blowfish.com—places that actually watch the movies before they review them and read what they have to say. You'll be able to read up on directors, stars, production companies and different types of videos. Another thing to look for is whether or not the tape has won any awards. Thousands of adult videos are released every year, so if a video has won an award, it has to have something good to have made it stand out from the rest. One more thing to watch out for: Adult video production companies tend to make lots of sequels (Up & Cummers #356) in the hopes that people will rent based on name recognition—meanwhile, the name is the only thing these tapes might have in common. The Golden Age—in film!  The 1970s are known as the Golden Age of Porn, mainly because this was the era before video, and all adult films were really shot on film. Film is much more expensive than video, so production values on these films are much higher (as are technical values and sound). Most adult movies shot before the early ‘80s are on film, many contemporary European features and some features by American directors Paul Thomas and Andrew Blake (both well respected) are shot on film.This is not to say that there aren't some great things shot on video. Freeing up the money that used to be used on film developing often allows adult production companies to spend it on other things. And digital video has come so far, and the adult industry has always been a leader in new technologies. My advice? Rent one of each. One of my favorite films from the ‘70s was The Opening of Misty Beethoven—but I like my porn with a plot so if you don't, don't take my advice. But, while we're on the topic of ‘70s porn, if unbuttoned silk shirts, gold chains, tight pants, lots of body hair and disco turns you off then you might want to stick with the mid-80s and up. However, you will be missing out on that groovy bwoa-chicka-bwoa-bwoa music and some of the best plot-driven pornos ever made. Which brings us to the next question… Would You Like Story with your Sex? This comes down to two things: do you want some story around the sex scenes or do you just want straight sex? Think of it this way: are you going to fast forward to the sex parts or not? Again, porn from the ‘70s and early ‘80s will deliver some plot with your pussy. But, porn from the bigger production companies will also try to put some story with your shag, companies such as Vivid (which actually sends their actors to acting school), VCA Platinum, and Wicked. Many women-produced videos, such as those of Candida Royalle, have story lines as well. One more tip: if you're watching with a partner for the first time, a comedy might help break the ice. Nothing takes away stress faster than laughter. No matter how overwhelming it seems when you walk into that rental store, remember, there is something out there for you. Be patient, be picky and, hopefully, be pleasured. 
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