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Foreplay? Wot's 'at? You mean, golf? I used to be in a band with a young English git what looked like Stewart Copeland from The Police. He even played drums. Brendan summed up everything dry and cold that is British manhood. While he prided himself quite the lover, he also had a phrase that summed up his typical sexual experience. "In 'n' out, smoke a cigarette," he used to say. Well, turns out my old band mate isn't all that anomalous when it comes to the limey love ethic. Beau Blue, the infamous retail lingerie outlet, recently commissioned a survey of 10,000 men and women, aged 17 to 70, to celebrate its sponsoring of an inaugural National Foreplay Day.  Well, looks like the day was something of a wash, as the research found 80 percent of British men didn't even know what foreplay was, mistaking it for a sport, a computer game or even an item of clothing!Certainly bad news for British women, but it got even worse as, ironically, these same men unfathomably gave themselves a rating of nine out of a possible 10 when it comes to evaluating their own sexual dynamism. Funny, that. Not surprisingly, the ladies of Blighty had a different spin on the subject, giving men a mere six rating, while at the same time rating themselves even lower, at five. Well, it's no wonder their sexual self-esteem is so low, what with the lack of foreplay and all. On the other hand, gay men and women were reigned in the art of foreplay, spending 25 minutes more on than the national average. Another bizarre result showed that accountants spent the most time on foreplay, an average of 40 minutes, while shop assistants spent as little as two minutes on foreplay. The survey suggests a gender divide on foreplay with 84 percent of men preferring full sex, whereas 62 percent of women preferred foreplay. Both men and women enjoyed sex toys, but only 23 percent of men admitted to buying one for themselves, compared to 63 percent of women. Hmm… all these statistics kinda clear up the mystery as to why Bond girls never stay longer than one film. Auto de gay I have someone in my life who's gay, but still identifies as a member of the Catholic church. I haven't spoken to this person in the last week or so, but I assume this is is still the case. Honestly, I don't know what the hell that's all about. Maybe it's because long ago, I abandoned that whole belief system. But moreover, it's probably because, to twist the words of Groucho Marx, I wouldn't want to belong in a club that would banish me as a member.  While never exactly at the cusp of social responsibility (please refer to such historical events as The Inquisition, The Crusades, and, more recently, the Holocaust), the Vatican sought to reinforce itself as the vanguard of archaic thinking by railing against the concept of gay marriage.Never mind that, with President Bush at the helm, the US is highly unlikely to enact such progressive legislature. Catholicism's head muckety mucks were spooked enough by the Supreme Court's recent "legitimization" (e.g. decriminalization) of sodomy and, by proxy, gay lifestyles to launch an all-out attack on the very concept of homosexual nuptials. So last week The Vatican's most Orthodox arm, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, released a document, "Considerations Regarding Proposals to Give Legal Recognition to Unions Between Homosexual Persons," which lays out a plan for politicians when confronted with proposed legislation granting homosexual couples the same rights as ied heterosexuals. "There are absolutely no grounds for considering homosexual unions to be in any way similar or even remotely analogous to God's plan for marriage and family," the document said. "Marriage is holy, while homosexual acts go against the natural moral law." While the document falls just short of condemning gays to be burned at the stake, such as in the autos de fe of old, its intent is not much less malevolent. It also comes out strongly against allowing gay couples to adopt, saying children raised by same-sex parents face developmental "obstacles" because they are deprived of having either a mother or a father, Associated Press reported. "Allowing children to be adopted by persons living in such unions would actually mean doing violence to these children," it said. And god knows what a watchdog of childrens' safety the Catholic church has proven to be, right? To further inflame the current controversy, the document also says Catholic politicians have a "moral duty" to publicly oppose laws granting recognition to homosexual unions and to vote against them.  Non-Catholic Bush also issued his own statement against gay marriage last week in a rare press conference, saying, "I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I believe a marriage is between a man and a woman, and I think we ought to codify that one way or the other."Fortunately, not all politicians have taken the document as doctrine, and some are a bit nervous about having terms dictated to them from a bunch of Italian guys in dresses. Presidential candidate John Kerry (D-Massachusetts), while not a supporter of gay marriage, bristled at the document last week. "I believe in the church and I care about it enormously," said the senator, himself a Catholic. "But I think that it's important to not have the church instructing politicians. That is an inappropriate crossing of the line in America." Aww… I'm sure Pope Sixtus IV is turning somersaults in his grave.
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