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My friend is on this crazy email list that collect weird and interesting bits of news, usually revolving around taboo subject like sex and drugs. Last week he forwarded me this link. At first I laughed. Then I randomly recalled how my Salvadoran friend Sergio’s mom used to fry them up for us in peanut oil as a snack. Boy, she’d be shocked to see them used like this! So I forwarded the link to my girlfriend, with the message, “Ha ha! You’re obsolete!” Well, it turned out that I was obsolete instead. She didn’t see the humor in my message, and dumped me for some guy who does HR at her work. Man, you think he might have given her some sensitivity training. Oh wait, he probably did give her some “sensitivity training,” and that’s why I took a second, more sober look at the site.  Sure, there are online sex toy stores like www.goodvibes.com that sell pocket pussies and Fleshlights and things like that, but dammit it was Friday night, and I was alone and broke as hell. I scraped up 83 cents and headed to the local Safeway to pick up a plantain.I followed this guy’s advice and bought a yellow plantain freckled with black spots. (If you’re not sure what a plantain even is, it’s like a thicker, tougher banana-type fruit.) I put on some porno and made the preparations—cutting a whole at the tip, squeezing out the pulp, and making holes at the other end so my new lover can “breathe” without breaking up into bits as I give it the ruthless dicking it deserves. Once I warmed it up with some mildly hot water, I was ready for rammin’. Or was I? The sound of a hot porn slut started to be overwhelmed by the long-lost sound of Sergio’s mom in my head. Eventually, the sight of the hairy mole on her forehead crept back into my subconscious, and quicker than you can say “Catholic guilt,” my erection was as irretrievable as my ex-girlfriend. So I’d say that, judging by all reports, the plantain vagina probably works pretty well… just so long as you don’t have creepy memories of your best friend’s mom lurking in your psyche somewhere.
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