Usually, stupid laws tend to erupt out of stupid politicians. But every once in a while, stupid citizens take it upon themselves to make decent citizens' lives hell.

Of course, by decent I mean those of us who enjoy a nice, wholesome lap dance now and again. Well, brace yourselves, Angeleans, because those fuckin' fascists I like to call Breeding Yuppie Scum are out to rob you of this most American of activities.

The Los Angeles City Council caved in to these tyrants' ridiculous demands last week, voting unanimously to deprive tax-paying, law-abiding folk of their right to get a lap dance at any of the city's magnificent gentlemen's clubs. Also passed were a slew of insipid new regulations guaranteed to strangle the life out of L.A.'s complex tapestry of adult businesses, at a time when the city can use every drop of revenue it can get.

In addition to banning lap dances, the new ordinance will now prohibit direct tipping of dancers, as well as demanding that customers and dancers and patrons remain a distance of at least six feet away from one another. VIP rooms and partitions of any kind in public areas except restrooms will go the way of the dinosaur, and clubs will now be forced to employ state-licensed security guards. Penalties for violating the law could include a $2,500 fine and as much as six months in jail.

Not only would this ordinance be a royal pain in the ass for consumers, it would be a disaster for entertainers, especially dancers whose meager salaries force them to rely on lap dances and tips to make a living. Without these gratuities, dancers (often young women trying to put themselves through college in what can be a potentially lucrative industry) wouldn't make any more money than office temps.

Obviously, the multitude of adult businesses that thrive in the City of Angels (and in turn help make it thrive) won't let this aggression stand. They've armed themselves with top attorneys, who have pledged to fight the new ordinance tooth and nail.

Chief among them is political consultant Steve Afriat, who told the Los Angeles Times last week he intended to tackle the problem the way any good California lawyer would—litigation.

"We're going to sue the city," said Afriat, whose consulting firm, Afriat Consulting Group, represents New Wave, Inc., a group which operates the Venus Faire and Deja Vu Showgirls clubs in the San Fernando Valley. "Basically, the council is bowing to the morality agenda of certain homeowners."

Mike Salk