I have to admit, sometimes I wonder if I have a clue about what sexy is and what it isn't.

Okay, wait, that's a lie. Truth be told, I'm way too arrogant for such a thought. Really, what I think is, does anyone else have a clue about what sexy is and what it isn't.

Not too long ago, my girlfriend and I were at a strip club, and I happened to have a few extra scheckels in my pocket to spring on a lap dance for one of us. (I actually prefer watching her get one than getting one myself, for many reasons which I will not divulge here, probably because I could write a whole column just on that subject alone.)

Now, a word about girls, even (especially?) girls who like girls—the fact that they're not interested in dick definitely narrows their interpretation of what's sexy about other girls. There's just something about the whole genetic wiring of propagating the species that makes a man's sexy window of opportunity something more like a, uh, sliding glass door of opportunity. Basically, if there's not a windscreen, lots of critters'll get in.

Girls, on the other hand, aren't so, well, desperate, and usually have fairly defined criteria when it comes to what's going to turn them on about a fellow femme. And it's usually something relatively subtle; just by way of life experience, a woman isn't going to snap her head at the slightest glimpse of thong the way most guys will.

Nevertheless, this was a strip club, a veritable babe bazaar. There should have been some girl who could appeal to her, right? You'd think.

Alright, so it wasn't working out for the ol' ball 'n' chain. Poor thing. At least there'd be something for me, yeah? I mean, my tastes aren't that defined. All kinds of girls appeal to me… hell, I'm a red-blooded American horndog!

Yet, as the night went on, and the bar tab escalated, it became obvious that my Spartan stripper stipend would languish in the ol' wallet like a poor, hastily packed condom whose promise of use has withered into futility after a date has gone sour.

Were we freaks? Did we have impossibly high standards for our selection of an exotic dancer? What the hell was wrong with us?

Well, like I said, the old lady can be forgiven. She's not the one keeping track of when the Maxim and Stuff sites get updated.

Me, that's another story. But is it wrong for me to assume that more people have a complicated view of what sexy is, and just don't let on?

I would hope that, for many people, sexy is an intangible combination of elements. It certainly is for me. I've seen girls who would (and should) be considered attractive, but who don't engage me in any lustful way. I call it the Tara Reid Syndrome. For better or worse, sexy to me is something more than just a skinny girl in her underwear, although this appears to be plenty for a lot of guys out there. Not to say that sometimes a skinny girl in her underwear doesn't appeal to me—it's just not an automatic slamdunk, you know?

Conversely, there are girls out there who don't fit so easily into the often narrow (especially as put forth by the media) columns of beauty who I'd shave my back with a rusty butter knife for the opportunity to shag silly. I call this the Nancy McKeon Syndrome. You know, Jo from The Facts of Life. Nobody I knew was attracted to her, and yet I found her… intoxicating.

It's often said that confidence is sexy. While I don't believe this in an absolute sense (for instance, I honestly don't think a dynamic personality would have helped John Merrick, the Elephant Man, get laid very much), I certainly have seen this principle in action. In fact, in light of my own limited physical gifts, I might argue that it has worked for me personally, especially if you substitute "confidence" with "pomposity."

It's this confidence factor that's likely what's in effect when you hear someone utter a phrase like, "I dunno, there's something about him/her… " rather than, "He looks like Matt Damon," or, "She looks like Tara Reid."

Or is there more to it than that? Certainly, there are people who can craft a sexy image for themselves very shrewdly and deliberately, and this is usually due to insecurity more than confidence, unless you mean "confidence" in another sense (as in scam). These people can either select a common assortment of buttons which can be pushed to attract a majority of members of the opposite sex, or if they're really clever they can find out quickly what buttons the target of their sexiness responds to, and work it.

Which is really where the core of where sexiness lies, in as much as how it relates to an attitude. There's as many ways to exude sexiness as there are to perceive it. Which, I suppose, is how a publication like this one can exist—because if sexiness was just skinny girls in their underwear, we'd run out of things to publish really quick.

Luckily, though, our readers find sexy in a lot more packages than the average American television network. From hot, bald Asian chicks and sexy subs to tempting TGs and even clowns, we try to show the wide spectrum of sexiness in its entirety.

Now, if only we could bring that diversity into our strip clubs… sigh…