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![]() While trolling around on the file-sharing program Kazaa the other day (of course not to download stolen music), I mistakenly hit ENTER after typing in the two simply words "how to" and within seconds I had a list of how to sex videos, documents and audio clips. How to make love, give a blow job, female ejaculation and of course, how to seduce a woman, hypnotize a woman, get a woman into bed and make a woman have anal sex with you. My old friend Ross Jeffries, the speed seduction guru, popped up a bunch as well. His patented (and overpriced) Speed Seduction books were all available for free. Just in case some of poor souls that can't get laid don't have the $800 to $3000 to drop down for lessons such as "How to get a woman into bed in less than five minutes without spending a bunch of money." A lesson that should be more aptly named "How to get a woman into bed in less than five minutes without spending a bunch of money besides the couple of hundred you just spent on this book and audio tape" or "Of course you don't have money to take a woman out on a 'normal' date—I just took everything you had!"
And a couple of years ago I had the distinct pleasure of attending one of his Speed Seduction Seminars. I was an editor at a now defunct pop-culture webzine called GettingIt.com. The Director of the publication heard about ol' Ross and decided this was exactly the type of thing we needed to be covering. After checking out his website (complete with link to "see pussy" that went to a bad photo of Ross holding a cat) and seeing that he used the Ron Jeremy approach (ugly, annoying man gets laid so you can too) I agreed that yes, we needed to go. The two-day, $800 (or was it $1800?) seminar was being held in a conference room in the Palo Alto Sheraton. We contacted Jeffries and were sent two free passes and told that Jeffries was making an exception for us because usually women weren't allowed. This should have been my first clue. The night before I went out… all night. The next morning my boss picked me up in a rental car and took me to beautiful Santa Clara. As soon as we arrived I was dead tired. We were early so we went into the dining room to have breakfast. The place was full of Ross Groupies, guys that followed the "Pussy Prince" like it was a cult. They swapped war stories over pulpy orange juice and runny eggs. "I used the Dickens line on her," one guy boasted. "I told her to sit blow me," said another one. Speed seduction uses the technique of neurolinguistic programming to hook its prey. That's a form of hypnosis, you use words like "below" and say it so it sounds like "blow" to plant an idea in her pretty, yet unsuspecting little mind. Breakfast was so bad that my boss had to turn to desperate measures: ecstasy. "Want a hit?" he asked with a grin. I took one look around and put out my hand. We gulped down the pills with our orange juice and entered the conference room. The seminar started out with Jeffries rotund sidekick, Major Mark, hypnotizing the crowd, which seemed to me to be their best idea yet. I was the only woman in that room of sweaty, acne-riddled boys. No, that's wrong, there was one other woman looking like she came straight from her shift at the Mitchell Brothers and there to give a "testimonial" about how well it worked. Neurolinguistic programming, not whatever she was making to be there. So besides the Britney Spears wanna-be, I was the only woman there. And I was asleep in about five minutes after Ross started talking. The next thing I knew I was waking up to his ugly face about five inches from mine. He was bright red and screaming at me. And I was tripping my ass off. I took one look around, at those poor saps who paid to watch the only woman not paid to be there fall asleep as soon as their babe-catchin' magnet started talking, and began laughing. I laughed so hard my sides hurt and I couldn't stop. I turned to my boss whose eyes were as big as saucers and he started laughing too. It didn't take too long for Jeffries to kick us out, much to our relief. Having to stay in there for hours would have been a torture worse than I could imagine. So I'm happy that Jeffries is having a comeback, he came up more than anything else under "how to" on Kazaa. Hell, maybe he can join the RIAA in a lawsuit against all those cheap bastards. After all, they did steal his "How to Get a Woman into Bed for Less Than Five Bucks" book. ![]()
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