Durex polls the world about sex

Condom company Durex has published the results of its annual Global Sex Survey, and if you live somewhere in the world, the results may surprise you. Or not, who knows?

The jimmy hat producer surveyed more than 150,000 people from nearly 35 countries (sorry, Indonesia and Rwanda), and among a slew of erotic epiphanies, discovered that three out of four people across the planet report happiness with their sex lives. Oh yeah, and Australia is the gayest country in the world.

Clearly, the most sexually satisfying place to be is southeast Asia, with Thailand and Vietnam ranking the highest in general well-being, 92 and 90 percent, respectively. Russians, though despite ranking well in frequency of sex, tied with Finland as the countries whose populace was the least happy with their sex lives. Americans came in (pardon the pun) at 64 percent, slightly behind Britain's 66 percent.

In terms of times at bat, so to speak, eastern Europeans were well ahead of the pack. Hungarians showed their, um, sexual hunger by averaging 152 sexual encounters a year, just edging out Bulgaria (151) and the aforementioned miserable Russians (150).

If you like to fuck doggy style, France is definitely the place to be, with 37 percent favoring the position over the standard missionary. The French also proved to be fond of the 69 position, doubling the number of Americans when it comes to the mutual munch.

Globally, the survey showed that almost half had had a one-night stand at some point; 28 percent had engaged in phone, text, or email sex; half of the women polled have faked an orgasm, while only 12 percent of men had; one in ten sexually active adults had boffed their partner's best friend; and only three percent had given their boss the screw.

Brazilians were found to be the sexiest people on the planet, with one in ten surveyed wanting to get nasty with them. Americans followed with nine percent. The news wasn't so great for Brits, Australians, Germans, and Russians, who tied at the bottom end of the scale with three percent.

Got gonads?

We can put a man on the moon, so why the hell can't we re-attach penises?

Self-severed schlongs popped up in the news (and nowhere else) last week, with a young German adult and a Kenyan villager being the latest victims of this horrible trend that, thank Christ, isn't sweeping the globe.

First up in our pair of penile partings is the case of a young German man known only as Andreas W., who decided to experiment with a hallucinogenic plant known as Angels' Trumpet, and wound up lopping off not just one, but two appendages, his penis and his tongue, before his mother noticed him wandering around in a bloody haze. Doctors, unfortunately, were unable to make Andreas whole again.

A local psychiatrist said Andreas will need psychological help for years to come. It sounds like he could have used a little bit before he mutilated himself. I mean, I've taken tons of acid, and about the only thing I can think of that would occur to me in that state in regards to a knife and my dork would be smearing peanut butter on it and propositioning my girlfriend.

Next we have a profile in what must be either colossal stupidity or severe insanity, take your pick. Alfonse Mumbo, 38, of Kenya, somehow got it in his head that his wife was having an affair, despite her assertions to the contrary. After a morning spent "answering many calls of nature," Mumbo did what any guy who had no connection with reality would do to teach his wife a lesson.

He chopped off his penis and testicles in the kitchen.

Unfortunately for Mumbo, he only came to his senses after neutering himself. He screamed and looked for help, but passed out from loss of blood. His wife found him a few minutes later, and rushed him to the hospital, where doctors were able to save him, but not his 'nads.

Boy, I'm sure that'll learn her.

Mom of the year?

Most moms say they'd do just about anything for their kids. Well, one Beaver County, Penn. woman may have just defined anything

When the anonymous woman's 13-year-old daughter was expelled from her school for blowing a fellow seventh grade boy on a school bus, did this woman let the school push her little girl around like that? Hell, no.

Nope, instead of visiting one of any number of socially acceptable punishments upon her scandalous offspring, this woman of Beaver (I won't even bother to clown the name of that vicinity… too obvious) had the unmitigated gall to appeal the expulsion to county court.

Oh, I know what you're thinking—on what grounds, for fuck's sake? Her daughter was caught giving oral sex on the yellow bus? Well, the woman contended, nowhere was it explicitly stated that seventh graders couldn't blow each other silly on a school bus.

Uh, yeah… I'm sure it's not explicitly stated that the little bastards couldn't skullfuck and eat the corpse of the bus driver, either. Gee, what a badly written code of conduct.

Judge George E. James took the woman's claim about as seriously as I just did, ruling that the expulsion was legal. Administrators had suspended the girl and her inappropriately gratified classmate for 10 days on May 19 after several other pupils reported that the pair had oral sex that day on a bus while returning from a field trip to Independence Marsh in Independence Township.

No pun intended, but man, my field trips sure did suck in comparison. Chocolate factory, my ass—I'd have gladly taken both the suspension and my parents' wrath (which I got anyway for the relatively innocent offense of smoking cigarettes) for some "quality time" on the yellow bus with Diana Altschultz. Sigh.

News Briefs - by Steve Robles

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