Dutch have no time for bestiality

In this news of the odd, we learn that two Dutch political parties are calling for laws prohibiting sex with animals. This new, stricter policy was called for after a man who was suspected of having sex with a pony was set free. In a surprise for the pony's owner, a man wearing nothing but a T-shirt was arrested by police in Utrecht on Monday. The t-shirted man was caught by surprise in the owner's stable. "He was caught in the stable, busy with the pony, and was arrested for animal mistreatment," Mary Hallebeek, a prosecution spokeswoman said. The prosecutor in this particular case has set him free because seemingly there was no evidence of a crime - it's hard to believe, but Dutch law does not prohibit bestiality. "There were no wounds or traces of violence. The man may have had sex with the animal, but there is no article in law which says this is liable to punishment," Hallebeek said. Cancel those trip plans…tourism will be down this year…

The True Flying Nun

Wine is a sacred sacramental device used in Catholicism, but it seems that a particular Benedictine nun in Poland is facing jail time for driving a tractor into a car while drunk outside her convent. The convent, in southwestern Poland, was home to the 45-year-old nun. She's set to be charged with drunk-driving and causing an accident, which carries a prison sentence of up to two years. Dariusz Waluch, police spokesman in the southwestern Polish town of Dzierzoniow, said the nun was 17 times over the country's legal alcohol limit for driving. Holy cow - I thought five times over the limit and you were supposedly considered legally dead? The true questions are why was she so drunk and why was she on a damned tractor? Let's get plowed!

Staying Power

hospital (heh heh heh). This poor fellow has become a tourist attraction after admitting himself to a hospital with an erection that had lasted six days. I think this is also a condition called Priapism where the penis becomes so engorged with blood and cannot release the blood - the penis can actually become gangrenous and, in rare cases, would need to be cut off in order for the gangrene to keep from spreading to other parts of the body.

Staff at Jose Maria Cabral and Baez hospital in Villa Gonzalez said nurses, doctors and members of the public had turned up to glimpse his predicament for themselves. Interesting, yes; cruel - a little. The unfortunate man, Igancio Cabrera, 25, was told by doctors that urgent and immediate surgery was required because if left untreated, untreated the condition could have left him impotent. This condition has been known to occur after prolonged use of Viagra or other sexual enhancers, but the hospital's director says that since Mr. Cabrera denied taking sexual stimulants, he could be suffering from a rare form of anemia that can give men erections for long periods of time. Maybe I could book a trip first…

Safe Sex First!

Driving without a license is just a no-no - and for good reasons. And here's just one - an Australian man was caught driving without a license. His excuse to police was that he was on an urgent mission to deliver condoms his cousin. A "good buddy" mission if ever we've heard one, but the story goes on to tell how magistrates in Darwin heard how 24-year-old Lee Collinson was pulled over in October. When the officers asked why he was driving without a license, his reply was: "My cousin was about to (have sex with) this girl and he needed his bum bag because it had his condoms in it." Magistrate David Loadman said: "Carrying condoms to a mate who is in desperate need must be something much better than the good Samaritan ever did. I cannot imagine the scene. This woman, about to embrace passionately, is waiting for the condom arrival. Bizarre in the extreme."

One wonders if the magistrate was able to keep a straight face throughout the proceedings, but he was able to continue on to tell Collinson: "When the Poms (Aussie slang for Englishmen) ask Australians to define mateship (best-friendship), your circumstances could serve as a very good example." The well-intentioned Collinson was fined $100. Outside court he said: "I don't regret my actions and I would do it again. My cousin is like a brother to me. "And at least he was practicing safe sex. He was being responsible. He got the condoms and I think he had a good night." Well let's damned well hope so.

Remember this Guy?

A while ago we told you about a German man who wanted the country's social security to pay for his brothel visits and adult videos. Well now it seems the gentleman in question has been jailed for making "improper demands" from state officials. An exasperated court in Weissenburg has sentenced the unemployed man, who is known only as Helmut H, to six months behind bars. The background of this story, in case you forget, is that the 43-year-old jobless mechanic took local authorities to court after they refused to pay £1,650 in bills for sexual services to which he felt he was entitled.

At the time of his initial complaint, Helmut H. was quoted as saying: "My wife, Nitaya, 28, is from Thailand. She flew back to give birth to our son, Markus Guenther, but cannot afford the flight back as the unemployment benefit I receive is not enough to cover the cost of the return flight - and I am being sexually deprived. I would never cheat on my wife, but brothels are merely about satisfying lust. I prefer 18- to 20-year-olds and like to experiment." His request was denied by the courts, but after the ruling, the man kept up his demands ('cause it's not about cheating on his wife, it's just about experimenting with 18-20 year olds - while his wife is 28…hmmm). He has now been jailed for being a nuisance and for insulting behavior to government officials. This is what is known as ballsy behavior. Or rather…blue-ballsy.


You are what you…drink

TSA officials had to be horrified with this little tidbit we gleaned off the web - it seems a man has been arrested at a U.S. airport after spitting what officials said appeared to be urine at security staff. According to the Charlotte Observer, the spitting man was arrested at Charlotte/Douglas International Airport, North Carolina. In what has to be the strangest story of air-rage, or in this case pre-air-rage, witnesses told the authorities that the man was holding a container, took a sip from it and then spat on security screeners. No one had any idea why the incident occurred, and Jerry Orr, airport operations director, said the man was immediately wrestled to the ground. The man, whose name was not available, was taken to a hospital for observation. It's not clear what charges he faces. Well who can blame him - have you seen airport prices for a simple soda these days?

The brownies ain't what they were when I was a kid.

"Breasts are not criminal." I don't specifically remember this being one of the doctrines we had to repeat at our little Brownie meetings when I was younger, but perhaps I was absent that day. The story breaks down like this: there was a demonstration in Daytona Beach billed as a topless march to protest anti-nudity laws. The march had drawn thousands of curious (or voyeuristic) spectators but merely a handful of marchers. The organizers of the march had expected over 1,000 topless women to march down Main Street and voice their outrage over the arrest of women who bare their breasts during spring break events.

This seems as good a cause as any that people are willing to march for these days, but in this case, it's mainly because local officials admit that hundreds of women are carted off to jail each year for exposing their breasts on the beach, in bars and on the streets. After a federal judge refused to stop police from arresting female protesters who doffed their tops, only about 50 women were brave enough to make the free-breast march. Even so, only one, organizer Liz Book, took off her shirt. Of course, Book was immediately arrested and taken to jail, which seems an indignity when one considers that a bare-chested man who marched for the same cause in the same parade was unmolested by police. "I don't ever want to see another woman arrested because someone showed her breasts," said Book who is also a 42-year-old Brownie troop leader. "Our breasts are not criminal." Do Thin Mints come with that?

Polly wants her $%*%$*^ crackers, dammit!

A foul-mouthed parrot was set to be removed from his perch of duty on one of the most prestigious sea-faring vessels afloat. This expletive-announcing parrot, which blurts out curses and pecks people when she's angry, must be removed from a Royal Navy ship to keep from any embarrassment during a visit by the Queen. The African Grey parrot, dubiously named Sunny, will be sent ashore from the HMS Lancaster so she doesn't "ruffle any royal feathers" during the queen's and Prince Philip's planned visit to the ship on Friday.

The frigate's 205-strong crew are said to be quite determined to avoid an embarrassing repeat of a recent visit by the fleet's commander-in-chief. During that visit, Sunny's four-lettered ranting could be heard even though the crew had tried to muffle her by locking her in a cupboard. "She learns new words all the time and mimics what people say," Lieutenant Commander John Pheasant was quoted as saying. It sounds to me like the crew isn't that clean-mouthed either if she's learning these words from them. Aww. Poor Polly. She just wants a little shore-leave to get her squawk on.