In 1919 the Russian transplant pioneer Serge Voronoff made headlines by grafting monkey testicles onto human males. Now we know why some men scratch in public and have no qualms about unrestricted masturbation. Or is that why it's called Spanking the Monkey?

More than half the American men surveyed in a recent poll admit to having sex with women they disliked. Um, for anyone who has been to college, this is not a shocker.

The distance sperm travel to fertilize an egg is 3-4 inches. The human equivalence is 26 miles (a marathon distance). So kwitcherbitchin. If the lil swimmers can do it…so can you!

Henry II was murdered by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red hot poker 0.5 meters up his rectum. One word, O W C H.

When reading horizontally from Shakespeare's original published copy of Hamlet, the furthest left hand side reads 'I am a homosexual' in the last 14 lines of the book. See, he was the cleverest man in the world. Or else historians are the most banal for coming up with this.

The female bedbug has no sexual opening. To get around this dilemma, the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the female. Actually, this is one of the few times the excuse "Honey I have a headache" would hold some weight.

The word "fuck" is actually an acronym. It dates back to the Good Old Days, when England was severely under populated due to the usual combination of fire/war/plague, and the King issued an official order to... well, fuck, to replenish the population. Hence the phrase "Fornicate Under Command of the King" passed into everyday language. NO, It was NOT VAN HALEN who came up with that.

"Venus observa" is the technical term for the "missionary position." Oh, observing the Venus…this one's almost nice.

In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men similarly endowed. And I want to know where every blasted one of them is.

The vow of a Roman vestal virgin lasted 30 years. If she engaged in sex before then, she was punished by being buried alive.

Gruesomely, In 1300 BC King Menephta returned to Karnak in Egypt after defeating the Libyans. As a mark of his success he brought with him more than 13,000 phalli taken from his defeated adversaries. One wonders what he sent for Christmas gifts.

And Finally England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a special table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse. Now that's a big table. He's a big man. Did he ever suffocate the poor girl?