"Personally I know nothing about sex because I have always been married."
Zsa Zsa Gabor
"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting."
Gloria Leonard
"It is not true that sex degrades women... if it is any good."
Alan Partridge
"Sex is like a bridge game; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."
Anonymous
"Sex-appeal is the keynote of our whole civilization."
Henri Bergson
"My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me."
Bette Midler
"Give a man free hands and you'll know where to find them."
Mae West
"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."
William Shakespeare
Bette Davis
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"Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite."
Anonymous
"If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter."
George Carlin
"From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it."
Bette Davis
Where do babies come from? Don't bother asking adults. They lie like pigs. However, diligent independent research and hours of playground consultation have yielded fruitful, if tentative, results. There are several theories.
Near as we can figure out, it has something to do with acting ridiculous in the dark. We believe it is similar to dogs when they act peculiar and ride each other. This is called "making love". Careful study of popular song lyrics, advertising catch-lines, TV sitcoms, movies, and T-Shirt inscriptions offers us significant clues as to its nature. Apparently it makes grown-ups insipid and insane. Some graffiti was once observed that said "sex is good". All available evidence, however, points to the contrary.
Bongo, From "Childhood Is Hell" By Matt Groening
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Top Ten Celebrity Sex Tapes
10. Paris Hilton: Her ex-boyfriend got so pissed off about everyone downloading his uploading that he decided to capitalize on the craze and sell the damn thing himself, seriously pissing off the hotel magnate's family. Not like anyone was surprised that this skanky little slut would let herself be videotaped screwing anyway. And can anyone take another second of her? Even if she IS answering her cell phone mid-shtup? Yawn!
9. Sylvester Stallone in 1970's "The Party at Kitty Stud's": "Aaaaaadrian!" So the studly Rocky star got his start in B movies... apparently some more X than B!
8. Spalding Gray in 1973's violent rape-incest-themed "roughie" "The Farmer's Daughter: Especially poignant now that he's no longer among the living, this flick is further evidence of just how edgy the conflicted monologuist was.
8. Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly's "Wedding Night Tape": The fact that she and Jeff generated so much scandal with their lead pipe incident only made any further scandal that much more delicious. American loves a bad girl!
7. Rob Lowe's 1988 hotel tapes: Brat Pack golden boy actually exhibits a libido! And - gasp! - genitalia! Frankly, we think it gave him some much-needed street cred.
6. Simon Rex's gay jerk-off video: Illicit gay vids don't usually generate much interest; they're sex-crazed homosexuals, after all, right? This one was just too good to let it fall into the file of anonymous wanking gay boys.
5. "Chuck Berry's Home Movie" in Berry pisses on a woman in a bathtub: Mr. Berry's was "B-ing" very kinky using his "Johnny" to spray his date. But anyone with a pissing fetish is "Goode" in our book!
4. Bob Crane's numerous sex films: Hey, they made a movie about them, for crissakes! Who'd a thought the white bread Hogan's Heroes star was such a perv? And gloriously so! This guy made the perfect use of all that brand, spankin' new videotaping technology and set an example for future generations of voyeurs.
3. Late '70s blaxploitation stars Jayne Kennedy and Leon Isaac Kennedy at play, including the notable fisting scene: Jayne Kennedy is still a babe, and this underground vid of her taking Leon's limb up her twat only added to her legendary status.
2. R. Kelly and his underage paramour(s): This raunchy rapper should be doin' time after doin' these teenage 'hos on camera. Maybe next time he won't be so hellbent on seeing himself in action.
1. Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee: This baby flew around the Internet so fast it gave a whole new meaning to the information superhighway. People who'd never downloaded a damn thing in their lives have this on their hard drives. The quintessential example of porn for the masses. .
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fiction
