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 Swinging is a mystery to many, even those who lead sexually alternative lifestyles. How a relationship can not only survive but thrive on non-monogamous behaviors is often puzzling to those who've never experienced it. However, many swingers insist that the decision to move towards this realm of encounter is firmly based in connection, commitment, respect and enjoyment. Blondie and her partner Vince run the San Francisco swing club Blondie's Playground. With two monthly parties and multiple playrooms, they offer an energetic and safe environment for couples and singles to indulge their swinging, public encounters and voyeuristic desires. We spoke with Blondie about what the swinging lifestyle means in general, to her, to her relationship with Vince and to the people who attend her parties. Eros Zine: What is swinging and what are the different types of swinging?
EZ: What's the difference between "swinging" and "swapping"? Blondie: This is like rectangles and squares... not all swinging includes swapping. For some people, swinging is merely being in the presence of someone else having a like mind. We occasionally have guests attend parties who don't plan on playing, but just want to be around others with whom they can be themselves. Others may be naked or scantily clad, only watching. Sensual massage might be another step... the next level would be those who behave sexually including intercourse, while in the presence of others doing likewise. This could also mean performing with toys or leather in front of a group. Swingers may swap, up to and including intercourse, with another couple, or singles of either sex. For some, it's having as many partners as possible in a concentrated period of time, meaning either an orgy or a gangbang. It's very individual, and usually a changing process. EZ: What kind of people are swingers? Blondie: Because we are only exposed to a relatively small part of the swinging world, we might be biased in our opinion, but we see swingers tending to be more educated than the general population. The level of communication that is necessary between couples requires a certain amount of knowledge. Often times with education comes expanded thinking. While a lot of our boundaries are suspended compared to the "straight world," we have a different set of our own. These are very specific and finely tuned, due to the enhanced risk of STDs and sexual pressure. An example would be "safe words," defined as words swingers agree upon in advance to stop an activity if it is unpleasant or unsafe for either partner in any way.  Swingers include both couples and singles. Many couples are only interested in adding one more partner to their sexual unit, which is where singles are a good fit. Many of our responses reflect the focus on couples as the basic unit of the swinging world.Another way of answering that question is that as a group, swingers tend to be more tolerant than others. One sees many more divergent relationships, including interracial and older women/younger men as examples. This tolerance extends both to swap choices and on a committed level in much greater frequency than in the general population. Another area of tolerance is the acceptance of female bisexuality as pretty absolute among swingers. EZ: Does that mean male bisexuality is also well accepted? Blondie: Bisexual male behavior is not encouraged to the same degree as female bisexuality. When men are in very close quarters, behaving sexually, they often don't want to be distracted by the potential sexual interest of the other men present. At our parties, we are focused on female satisfaction with their lucky partners attending as the women's guests. If a woman is interested in MFM play, or MFMMMMM play, male bisexuality hampers that from being comfortable or even physically possible for some men. If the men can't perform, the women lose out. Men and women both still tend to be more comfortable watching women together than men. The acceptance of male bisexuality is a still a work in progress. Fear of HIV also slows acceptance. EZ: How did you and your husband first get into the scene? Blondie: My husband and I brought it up about the same time, but we had really different agendas... I was interested in learning about role-playing and BDSM, specifically in going to the Power Exchange. My husband was more into the idea of same room sex, so that he could watch others while they played together, becoming able to see live what he could normally only see in porn films. Things got rolling when my girlfriend hadn't had sex in a long time, and I suggested that my husband could offer some relief. He did just that, and we discovered how much I really enjoyed watching him with another woman. EZ: What keeps you in the scene?
EZ: What is the most common misconception about polyamory? Blondie: My first thought is fear that polyamory demeans the primary woman in any way. I would love the opportunity to be close to a woman who was also intimate with my husband. I miss my best friend when she is involved with a man! She is not really interested in being our third or in sharing her man with me, because I am pretty straight, and she is strongly bi. I really enjoy sharing him, so I am looking for another close girlfriend who is also mostly straight! EZ: Do there tend to be more men than women involved in the scene? Blondie: Of course! Men are given permission by society to be sexual, women still unfortunately are not. The majority of us women would not want the world to know about our proclivities, for fear of judgment, where men often feel comfortable sharing this information with at least some other men. My husband tells people in his work environment about Blondie's; I would lose my job, if my employer found out. The gay scene is basically swinging in a male world; there is no surprise it's exponential in its numbers! EZ: What is Soft Swinging?
EZ: Why do many swingers have a "one-hit" rule? Blondie: I can't answer this question. I haven't heard anything termed that way before. My idea of what you mean sounds like only swapping once with a couple or single. To me, that sounds like fear of attachment. We often see couples swinging with people with whom they have played with on previous occasions and they often look forward to the opportunity. EZ: How would someone bring up the idea of swinging with his or her partner? You have to be able to ask pretty directly. If a relationship isn't comfortable and open in terms of communication, a couple will have a tough time participating in the lifestyle, without encountering potentially devastating issues... however, one could test the water by bringing it up while fantasizing during sex and see how well it is received. EZ: How would a couple who is interested in swinging get started in the lifestyle? Blondie: It is much easier and faster to meet potential partners at parties than one at a time online, which is a common method couples use as entry. The easiest way is to search the web for groups that support swinging. We found NASCA, one of the major swinging lifestyle support networks, pretty easily, and went from there. We also looked up specific parties in a swinger's magazine. We would suggest calling owners of the different groups, getting a sense of what their parties are like, and to what lengths a host is willing to go to help make a "newbie" comfortable. EZ: Is there anything a person/couple should look out for when swinging for the first time? Blondie: One should start by finding a good fit in terms of swing philosophy and demographics for a first experience. A twenty year old couple would not have their best first experience at our party, nor would a sixty year old couple. There are other groups for each of the end of the spectrum, age wise, and we would happily make a recommendation. Once a party is located, we also suggest that couples discuss and define what their boundaries are ahead of going to a party. That line should not be crossed in the moment unless both parties agree to do so with enthusiasm!
One should limit or avoid alcohol intake, and not just the first time. It clouds judgment and can lead to regret and perhaps even disease. Alcohol changes one's breath, which can be at least distracting, if not downright undesirable! Drinking certainly doesn't help with male performance either. EZ: What are the rules that Swingers abide by? Blondie: One should show respect for all others. Without it, there is no feeling of safety for other participants. As party owners and hosts, we screen more heavily for the ability to demonstrate respect than any other issue, especially when dealing with single men. This is basic to our authority as hosts. People do try to get around us, and that is lethal! If we feel someone will respect our wishes at a party, we can safely assume they will treat the other guests the same way. Asking permission before touching is always key to any interaction. One should wait for a break in action between players when joining in a scenario, if permission can not be obtained without interruption. A women can't give her permission if her mouth is full! One should accept rejection gracefully, and never expect a person to give an explanation for his/her choice. Cleanliness, both in terms of personal hygiene and diseases is necessary. These are some of the most universal "rules." It is good to remember to ask what the other person or couple has in mind as a fantasy and see if it is a good fit. You can learn more about Blondie's Playground at blondiesplayground.com.
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