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 San Francisco based swinger Blondie throws several monthly play parties with her partner Vince. She spoke with us about the meaning of swing and how to play by the rules. This is part two of our interview. You can read part one here. EZ: How does swinging strengthen your relationship? Blondie: Swinging forces communication. Vince and I have learned through swinging how to work through issues we would have never even identified. We might have actually broken up instead. Don't be surprised if "hot" nonsexual issues are discussed just before or after a party. This is a sign that there is some anxiety around the swinging behavior. This happened to us when we first started out, and we occasionally have others cancel due to a recent argument. With experience, Vince and I have become more skilled at separating our sexual and nonsexual issues, and we discuss what's really on our mind. Swinging isn't for couples who aren't able to recognize their emotions, discuss them in a safe way (especially fears and anxieties), work through them, and support one another.
EZ: How do you deal with issues of jealousy between you and your mate? Blondie: Communication, communication, communication. Because my sexual self image is very strong, I have few jealousy issues, but my husband Vince simply is not as secure as I. In another relationship, it could be the woman who is insecure, or for that matter, both! Since both our psychic networks are down, we have to talk things out when the green monster appears, which it does! When he makes me aware that he is feeling possessive (insecure), we benefit by my paying close attention to his mood, and by being very reassuring that he is the man I love and with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. Sometimes it means I have to forego a particular interest, to protect his ego. In the moment it can be hard. Sitting here writing about it, of course I would never want to hurt him! For myself, there are occasions when and where I want his undivided attention, and I have to tell him that before it becomes an issue. He is free to openly look at women, but there is one time it bothers me. It's not at a swing event, it's usually on a dance floor! I like the intimacy of him looking into my eyes when we dance. I had to learn why he wasn't and discovered it wasn't personal or sexually motivated at all. Now, he knows it is more important to pay attention to me than to feel anxious that everyone is watching him dance! Once he told me about something he wanted to do with an ex that he doesn't do with me. We set a boundary to try to only do things outside our relationship, that we do inside of it. Maybe I'll let him do what he wants with her. Maybe not.  EZ: If a Swinger finds someone attractive, how should they approach that person?Blondie: Initial eye contact or the lack thereof, is a pretty strong indicator of desire to be approached. As hosts, we try to introduce each individual to every other individual at a party, so that HUGE initial gulf has been crossed. Vince's and my first attempt at the approach of a couple at a party was through luck a very pleasant and successful experience. After introductions, one of us asked the other couple what fantasy brought them to the party, and theirs and ours matched! In retrospect, I can't guess how we managed to be so adept our first time out of the gate! We can be quite shy at a party, if we are not recognized. One piece of advice we would give is that once chatting, it is important that men show general interest in both halves of a couple and not just focus on the woman. EZ: If someone approaches you and you do not want to participate in any activity with them, what is the best way to communicate that without hurting feelings? Blondie: Simply look them in the eye, and say no thank you. Men say that they like to know why, so women should be able to tell them their reason if they chose. We discourage explanations, unless they want to further encourage the partner for a future time. In general giving an explanation for a "no" puts the giver on the defensive, and we prefer that our guests not be placed in that position. No one is ever allowed to ask "why" in the face of a "no." EZ: If someone wanted to come to Blondie's for the first time, what would they need to do?
EZ: What types of people are most likely to be invited to your parties? Blondie: We expect people to be tobacco, drug and disease free. We focus totally on the women, and work on the assumption that their partner will be grateful, if she is happy, because he gets to return! We love to encourage a woman to get in touch with her bisexual desires, as well as curiosity about multiple partners (Editor's note: Extreme Parties, see below). We primarily attract couples and singles in their thirties and forties, and generally in reasonably good health and physical condition. We enjoy dancing, and appreciate others who do as well. As a rule, we are not a bunch of Barbies and Kens. However, when b and k drop by, and they do, we don't want them to leave because they are at the too attractive end of the spectrum to feel comfortable. We used to try to orchestrate our guest lists when we were more concerned about creating our image, but the parties run more smoothly if we don't worry too much about who is attending. We do tend to attract a very desirable crowd, in our opinion, and that is why we started the parties!  Unfortunately, we will never have very large parties: our quiet neighborhood will not support it. Because we choose to limit our size, we cannot be a pansexual group. We try to have a fairly homogeneous group in terms of age and appearance. We encourage racial diversity, but it not our focus. If we lean toward a focus, it would be dominance and submission, (but not BDSM). That's only because that's what I am into! Our non-smoking venue/group is the biggest reference to what we choose to avoid!EZ: Do ever get a vibe from potential couples that only one of them one really wants to be there and the other is just being complacent? And if so, what do you tell them? Blondie: Oh yes, this happens, but generally we can pick it up in the phone interview. The first time I ever attended a swing party was many years ago was with a guy I was dating. I assumed he was actually interested in me! He dumped me to go play with someone else about 30 seconds inside the door at a party where the hosts required you to undress immediately. I spent HOURS wrapped in a postage stamp towel, waiting for him to finish. A good host would never let that happen. Because of my experience, we are just a tad vigilant to that situation! More often than not, it is the female who is resistant, and if we see a male stripping down while his lady remains dressed, we will politely ask him to get on the same page with her or leave. It is extremely important for each partner to support the other's level of comfort at a gathering. When a male shows up with an unwilling partner, he is not just another single male who tried to take a short cut; he demonstrates he is without respect for his partner or us, for that matter. I am pretty formidable under these conditions. Any resistance to our polite request, and at 5'2" tall, I have had no problem asking people to leave. Vince hasn't had to say a word yet!
EZ: What could one expect at one of your parties? Blondie: We have two different types of parties, so there are two different answers to this! Our evening parties (usually on Fridays), are for couples, primarily. They are still quite intimate, and while we are growing, they will never be huge. We are very inviting to newbies because we are such a safe environment, therefore we often have 1-3 newbie couples. We try to balance experience with inexperience. We provide one room as a safe haven when things get too wild for newbies in the group room! When people arrive between 8pm and 9pm they find a full buffet and beverages (nonalcoholic), so they can socialize and get to know one another. Usually play begins pretty quickly, but this varies with the level of experience of the members and the size of the party. There is frequently bisexual play between the women. Some parties are full on orgies and some are mostly couple swaps, but they are always a very sexy experience!  One Sunday a month, in the afternoon, we host what we call an Extreme party. These are our larger parties, and are for women particularly into multiple male partners or at least into having lots of choices in men. Couples into full swap may also attend. We usually have 7-9 women and 20-25 men. The women on average play with about 8-9 guys and the men with 2 or 3 women. These are not for everyone: I would not attend as a guest! Extreme parties are for women with experience. We only encourage women to attend who know with certainty, given 20-25 choices, that there will be at least one man with whom a she will play ... these parties begin promptly at two in the afternoon with a short discussion about safe sex and sexual etiquette. The Extreme parties are very, very intense sexually. Whether a woman is into 20 partners or only 2, she is welcome to enjoy herself as much as she likes. Generally these parties end only when the women are completely exhausted!EZ: What about singles? How are they selected? Blondie: We spend more time and energy in choosing our single men than probably any other local group. We don't want contention between men at Extreme parties, and we want the women to feel completely safe! And we don't want married men to feel confined to being only with their partner, if they want to enjoy the other women present. It's no fun for guys to have to "guard" their women at a party. We look for a particular personality type, pretty much the direct opposite of mine. Since opposites attract, I can recognize the right guy for our group more easily than my husband. A male begins by sending his photo, which is hopefully G-rated. If we think he is a good fit physically, he is asked to write in depth about his interests outside of sex so that we can get a solid sense of his personality. After that, I meet with him in person for an hour to an hour and a half, in a public place. After interviewing about 100 men, I can tell quickly if it is a good fit. None of the selected single males has ever been requested to leave an Extreme party, which is amazing when one considers the number of men present. There have been a very small number we have chosen not to let return.
EZ: Are the parties at your personal residence? Blondie: No, they are in a house just for parties. This way we could decorate around sexual themes, and the whole house is available for our guests' pleasure. We have limited worries about theft, etc. and can relax and focus on our guests. EZ: Will you and your husband play at parties, if no one else plays with a guest? Blondie: We would never want someone to attend one of our gatherings with that expectation. There is no guarantee of sexual contact at a party. There is always sexual activity, and we are not above being the first to jump in, but we often play only with each other, if at all. It is sometimes hard to pick just one couple or guest to enjoy, and it is rare for us to go beyond that logistically. I don't play with the single males, ever. The larger the party, the more important it is to be a host, and the less likely we are to play at all.
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