The back of her book's biography tells us Suzi Parker is an "independent journalist and lifelong Southerner." This gives her the ideal perch from which to view sex and sexuality in her backyard, which seems to include several southern states. Her book, Sex in the South: Unbuckling the Bible Belt, is an in-depth and exhaustive look into the alternative yet humorous side of the real goings-on behind closed (or sometimes opened) doors in the South.

What this so-called pioneer has done is insinuate herself, sometimes by announcing she was a reporter and sometimes by subterfuge, into a myriad of sexual situations all throughout the southern U.S. The states not safe from her investigative forays include Arkansas, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Texas and Louisiana. There are a couple of places, namely Louisiana, where one might assume there is more sexuality going on than meets the eye, but Ms. Parker sheds some light on things of which we might not have even been aware.

For instance, in her hilarious review of Passion Parties in Arkansas, we are treated by her attendance at a private house party where a group of normally staid women get together, have Hi-C and rum punch to loosen their inhibitions and then talk about all the sexual items for sale. It reads as a hysterical insider's view of the normal suburbanite trying her best to find some stimulation to her "Gas Bill" sex. Gas Bill sex is, as defined by one of Ms. Parker's friends, "when you have sex as often as the gas bill arrives in the mail - and I don't think shut-off notices count." Her surmise is confirmed only moments later when one woman attendee announces "We schedule sex on the calendar." Point 1, Ms. Parker. Suburbanites, 0.

The host's house itself is a tribute to DIY-home improvement shows and Martha Stewart sales, but it is her bookcase which is the most telling point. Danielle Steele or Barbary Taylor Bradford grace the shelves, but right next to the romance and steamy novels is the Left-Behind series - a Christian apocalypse series which garnered a lot of press over the past few years about the eventual return of Christ. If ever there was a dichotomy, it's in Arkansas. The women also worry about the stains various lubricants might leave on their four hundred thread count sheets. Who knew there were even four hundred thread count sheets?

Suzi fully admits that she is a single girl in this atmosphere who has not mastered the Suburbanite terminology into single girl speak. Perhaps the most horrifying episode in this section is where one woman refers to her "nether regions" as her "doo-lolly." Oh, lord. Literally.

She moves on to an encounter with a local celebrity affectionately known as Skirtman who decided years ago that he was not a homosexual, but simply preferred to dress in female clothing. It cost him his marriage, and very nearly his job at a local university, so he's toned down the work ensemble. But catch him any other time, and he's likely to be better-dressed than any other woman you encounter. He is a terribly interesting character whose personal mantra states that if he could be any Winnie-the-Pooh character, he'd be Tigger. Why? Because then he can just enjoy whatever comes along in life.

Another encounter in Arkansas includes a stop in Little Rock where the Miss Gay America Pageant takes place. The 2003 winner, Dominique Sanchez gracefully allowed Suzi an interview and filled her with all kinds of background on the event, how it became started, and how it carries on. And, like any other politically inclined event, it has its share of problems, but these do not detract from the outcome at all. There is a section including the beginnings of the pageantry, and a wonderful rendition of four contestants each vying for the Miss Gay South Regional America Pageant, a precursor for inclusion in the Miss Gay America event. If you've ever been under the impression that the Miss USA or Miss America pageants were a lot of work, this chapter will be an eye opener, 'cause, honey, those gals ain't got nothin' on these femmes fatales.

We head to Florida for a meeting with the Iron Belles. This is a series of women who have taken body-building to an extreme and use their bodily talents to wrestle men into submission and humiliate them, much as a dominatrix might do, but may not have the strengths to accomplish fully. Evidently, this is a booming sub-market, and the women take their work extremely seriously. We followed one Domme, 'scuse me, Iron Belle, to NYC for an action packed weekend where men line up and pay exorbitant fees to have the pleasure of getting their asses kicked and wrestled and pinned by these powerful women. To each, there is a fetish - and all fetishes are fine with me.

We move on to Alabama. I would never think Alabama had much to offer kink-wise, but Ms. Parker has proved me wrong again. She attempted to be honest and let a couple of BDSM clubs know she was a reporter and wanted to attend a domination session or dungeon night in order to gather an understanding and write about it. She was turned down several times - not that I blame the groups themselves. There has been enough bad press regarding the BDSM lifestyle of late to make all practitioners wary. But finally, Suzy had to resort to a 007-style infiltration of a BDSM event just to see what went on behind the flogger-enhanced doors.

She grabbed a male friend and attended a weekend of BDSM-lifestyle in Alabama, featuring workshops, play parties and sales of toys. Relying on the acting skills of her male friend, they set off on what seems to be the eye-opener for Ms. Parker. They're greeted warmly enough, given the speech of "Safe, Sane, and Consensual" and invited to several play parties. Neither Suzi nor her partner felt comfortable participating in any of the activities, so they played their roles as if they were still deciding who was topping and who was bottoming, and so managed to avoid performing. But they stressed over and over again how friendly and welcoming and informative everyone was.

The other mantra for the weekend is "your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay." As anyone who reads my other material would expect, I almost stood up and cheered when I heard this. All fetishes should be accepted - if it's not your scene, then move along. "Certainly," writes Ms. Parker, "any one kink shouldn't be criticized or judged." I LIKE her.

She moves into Pell City, Alabama, for a meeting with the Southern Charms. The Southern Charms was started in 1994 as a BBS. With more than 550 women at any given moment, the web site gives all men what they want - big women, real shaped women, all for a membership fee, of course. On average, according to Ms. Parker, 1,175 pictures are downloaded every second of each day. That's a lot of erotica.

As Suzi meets with Cindy Charms and goes back to her hotel room while her husband takes pictures to put on her site, both for the membership access (more explicit) and for the introductory freebies (slightly tantalizing), Suzi gets a lesson in squirting. And we're not talking figuratively, here. In the midst of a photo shoot she is handed a camera and eventually she is covered with Cindy's female gooey wetness and thinks to herself to never be in a hotel room without extra towels again. Good advice. There's more, but you must read these adventures to believe them.

Mississippi brings us to a gay man who exposes the underside of the gay society in Natchez, where men who are otherwise involved with women also have relationships on the side with men, and mostly it is unprotected sex. To say nothing of the health hazards this poses, it's also a sad notion that the couples can't chare the fantasies together. He waxes on about the situation in Natchez, and it's really somewhat sad and something you should read yourself.

Tennessee offers us a glimpse into the world of strip clubs. Ms. Parker enlists four male friends to accompany her to a strip club in what seems to be a fiasco - save for one of the four attendees. It seems that the Tenn gals aren't quite sure what will entice the men via dance, but they'll stick their hootchies in your face for a mere buck. A couple of clubs are investigated, and things seem to improve, but you ought to read to see how.

We're introduced to Trigger, the Human Equine, who is a true believer in Pony Play. He gives a demonstration, and even gets Suzi on his back for a ride. One is left wondering whether it excites her or bothers her deeply, but it's a fascinating glimpse into a world not often discussed. And Trigger sounds like the sweetheart of a pony we all wanted as little girls, complete with taking sugar cubes from your palms.

A fetish gaining more popularity is Aqua Porn (although I hesitate to use the word porn, as you know). It is filming and editing beautiful women underwater. The gentleman interviewed has his own company, does the filming, editing, and the distribution. He takes special requests, and disturbingly (for me, at any rate), a lot of it has to do with drowning scenarios. But it also incorporates women swimming around in negligees, peignoirs, naked, and doing all kinds of lovely deviant things while under the calming influence of the warm water. You can see what all this is about by looking at www.aquafan.com - as I said, they take requests, so if you don't see your fetish there, please feel free to ask and they will do their best to accommodate you.

North Carolina is where my Grandmother lives, so I am somewhat reluctant to even admit that anything sexual takes place there, but once again, Ms. Parker proves me wrong. It seems to be a haven for swinging and swapping with what Suzi terms as "their decadent lifestyle of 'indoor sport'. These men and women possess the desire, and subsequent ability, to live out their fantasies of getting it on with someone other than their spouses, who are usually doing the same thing in the same bed or at least nearby." Well, then.

Swingers live in a curious world where jealousy doesn't exist; as a matter of fact, many practitioners say it's strengthens their relationships and their trust issues while adding spice to their sex lives. According to Suzi, swingers don't like single folk. I can tell you from personal experience that this is not an across-the-board sentiment. Swinging may be viewed as a couple's lifestyle, but sometimes the single man or woman can add that little extra sense of aberrant spice to a scene which might otherwise be somewhat boring and evoke the "done-that" emotion.

Georgia brings us to Torchy Taboo and Dames Aflame. Now if this woman is not the most interesting person I've come across, beat me with a flogger. Well, do that anyway, but, she really is quite a unique personage. She is a burlesque dancer, not a stripper; she is quick to point out. "Burlesque is about tease, anticipation, dynamics, leaving something to the imagination." Eva, Torchy's real name, is eccentric but in a fascinating way - from her dress to her demeanor, she is all about the unconventional. And this chapter is a read that you cannot and should not miss. I can't say much more without giving it away, but trust me when I say it's a dynamic piece.

South Carolina showcases the Big Beautiful Belles. These are a group of women not afraid of their non-waif-like status, and even think it is a draw for more men than are willing to admit to their friends. These women are sexually confident, aggressive, and unafraid to take chances on picking up a man they think might have that certain something that craves the fleshy embrace they are able to offer. They insist they don't feel like freaks, but have come to terms with who they are, and think it is erotic and sexual and are not afraid to let you and anyone else in the immediate vicinity know it. Check out www.menditeats.com or www.bbwdivas.com for your fix of the flesh.

And we reach Texas, land of hats, boots, and the pervasive smell of oil and cow dung. But that's not what we're focusing on here. Two sisters started a company for normal (read "repressed" or "shy" or "married") women to learn how to seduce their partners. One video covers stripping for your mate, complete with steps you should practice. (Which our author did at one point, and did pretty well, if she does say so herself.) In Fort Worth, the two sisters noticed there were lots of porn/erotica tapes around, but no way for the average woman to learn how to do these things. With an ambitious plan, they decided to start a line of video instructional tapes where the average woman could learn to be a sex symbol for her lover. Their Learning Institute for Women teaches a few lessons in plain old common sense seduction.

Lastly, it's Louisiana and a visit to Gennifer Flowers' bar in New Orleans. Y'all remember Gennifer Flowers, the chick who said she boffed Prez Clinton? Well, now she owns a bar and does a lounge act. Let's face it, no one is there for her act, they're there to gape at the woman who almost derailed a presidency. Her show is short, is passably credible with talent, her merchandise is way overpriced, and to hear Ms. Parker tell it, she's not exactly a warm fluffly-type person. So, a nice spot on the kitsch tour, but not worth your time unless you're really drunk and will clap at/to anything.

So let's end on a few notes Ms. Parker made during her travels (and I quote:)

1. You never know what someone's got up her doo-lolly.
2. Never underestimate the thong-crafting ingenuity of a man who prefers to wear skirts.
3. Drag-queen boys have much better taste in music than straight boys.
4. Muscle women can squeeze cereal boxes into bow ties.
5. That collar-type necklace your mom is wearing may be more than a sweet gift from your dad.
6. Whenever you're with a squirter, always stay at least five feet away because you never know when she's gonna blow.
7. Your hotel desk clerk may be, in fact, a big nelly bottom.
8. Never eat a lollypop at a strip club.
9. If I suddenly develop a craving for nude, submerged, wrestling mermaids on video, there's someone out there who can help.
10. When dismounting from a man-horse, be mindful of his tail.
11. When someone says "swing your partner", they may not mean square dancing.
12. Eva Wynne-Warren, the pixie burlesque goddess with the vintage stripper's wardrobe, needs her own agent. Fast.
13. I can never listen to Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" the same way again.
14. I have, after much practice in my living room, mastered the Sensuous Bra Removal.
15. Lesbians + stage + reading dirty words aloud does not necessarily = poetry.