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 Would You Like Some Fries with that Dick? In Hillsborough, N.C., police are on the lookout for a man who gave a fast food employee more than just his order. The gentleman showed up at the drive-thru window naked and when he opened his door, the Bojangles cashier got a good look at his exposed genitalia. Police say they're looking for a naked, hairy, big-bellied man in his 30s. Wonder if he ordered a scalding coffee.  Streaks at Car Wash In Woodstock, Ontario, a drunk 39-year-old man sent his naked body through a car wash. After a car pulled into a gas station around 10:00pm, an unidentified passenger got out of the car and went for some nude sudsing action. Police charged him with being intoxicated in public. Wonder if he went for the optional wax job. Moon Over MTV Movie Awards Eminem mooned the crowd at the taping of the MTV 2004 Movie Awards. The rapper was performing with his group D12 and parodying Guns N' Roses singer Axl Rose, groping his crotch and flashing a studded codpiece. Then he yanked down his pants and shared his bare ass with the live audience of thousands and the rolling TV cameras. MTV representatives said the stunt would be edited out of the broadcast. Studded codpiece? Hmm, wonder if he used the same designer as Janet Jackson's tear-away bra.  Champagne Wishes and Porn Star Dreams Connecticut high school student Max Miesel won a date with porn star Tyler Faith from The Howard Stern Show and decided she'd make the perfect prom date. Unfortunately, his Principal, Mary Kolek, found Max's dream date less than perfect. In fact, a date with a porn star violates Weston High School's prom guidelines. Max's parents and school officials put the kibosh on his porn star prom date dreams. Boo! Wonder if he can take his babysitter instead? Gin Mill Gender Equality David R. Gillespie had a beef with women receiving cheap beers and entering New Jersey's Coastline nightclub for free while he paid a $5 cover charge and full drink prices. Instead of finding himself another watering hole, he decided to take his case to court. New Jersey's top civil officials have ruled that clubs can no longer offer gender-base promotions like "ladies nights," thereby ruining the fun for everyone. Almost unanimously, tri-state area drinkers are in favor of anything that brings women into bars and clubs. But J. Frank Vespa-Papaleo, director of the state Division on Civil Rights, ruled that commercial interests do not override the "important social policy objective of eradicating discrimination." Hmm, wonder if he can do anything about equal pay? Inconceivably Clueless After eight years of marriage, a German couple (a 30-year-old wife and her 36-year-old husband) was curious about why they were still childless. So they did what all modern folks do when things aren't working the way they're supposed to: they went to a fertility clinic.  Shockingly and surprisingly, they were both in perfect health and perfectly fertile. Their problem? They weren't having sex. The University Clinic of Lubek said they had never heard of a case like it, sharing, "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: 'What do you mean?' We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate."It is almost inconceivable (pun very much intended) that anyone on the planet could be completely unaware of what it takes to reproduce. The couple is attending sex therapy and the Lubek clinic is trying to figure out how many more couples are out there with absolutely no clue. Wonder what they THOUGHT would work? Sex + Money = Happiness? The National Bureau of Economic Research just published the first study designed to determine a relationship between income and sex. The results of the study show no correlation between how often people have sex and their household income, though unemployed people do have more sexual partners. The study is based on a University of Chicago database of surveys of 116,000 Americans between 1988 and 2002. Actually, determining happiness was the study's ultimate goal. The generally held belief is that happiness can lead to a stronger economy by reducing health care costs and increasing productivity. David Branchflower and Andrew Oswald, of Warwick University in Great Britain, wrote the paper as part of their effort to use statistical analysis to figure out what makes people happy. They had previously discovered a correlation between high incomes and happiness. (Surprise, surprise!) Earlier studies also found a correlation between lower income levels and sexual dysfunction in both men and women. Although this recent research did find that people who have a lot of sex are happier, especially if they are monogamous, there was no direct link between sex and money. Branchflower says, "We thought we'd see some income effects." Evidently, however, "This pursuit of money, money, money isn't everything. We're not people who study sex. We're not people who are psychologists. We're economists." Blanchflower adds, "So what our interest is, is to try to measure things." Wonder if they've studied the correlation between lots of free time and sex.
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