What, pray tell, is the world coming to when politics and withholding sex are inextricably linked? Or perhaps more accurately, voting and sex. Maybe Supreme Court Justice Scalia was onto something when he uttered that almost-Freudian slip about orgies being good for you. Like we ever thought they weren't!
Votergasm.org is doing its part to get out the vote by encouraging people to register on their web site and take "The Votergasm Pledge." The bi-partisan - or is that non-partisan? - site entices who we can only assume are young, single Americans to vote by agreeing to withholding sex from anyone who doesn't. Vote, that is.
Does this mean we can expect "Hey, I voted" to be the new pick-up line? Or voter cards taking the place of BMW keys? What will signal to other singles that someone did not, in fact, vote, making them a social and sexual pariah? Most folks looking to get laid will say almost anything, from exaggerating their annual income to inventing entire personal histories. What's to stop them from saying "I voted" in order to score? Certainly most men would say they cast a ballot for Mickey Mouse if they thought it might get them into a girl's pants.
This hilarious web site asks registrants to choose a "Pledge Level" and demonstrate their dedication to the cause by making that sex/vote connection. The Pledge Levels and the corresponding pledges are "Citizen: I pledge to withhold sex from non-voters for the week following the election; Patriot: I pledge to have sex with a voter on election night and withhold sex from non-voters for the week following the election; and American Hero: I pledge to have sex with a voter on election night and withhold sex from non-voters for the next four years."
Imagine the decline in unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted disease if everyone under 30 actually made good on these promises! (Oops, sorry if that sounded like something a bitter old person would say. Hah!)
The site also goes into great detail about "pledge-fulfilling sex," stipulating that it "must be consensual, legal, and generous. And safe. And hot." They offer their suggestions for acceptable sexual positions. While we are familiar with missionary and doggy-style, we were totally baffled by the rest of them: "cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, leapfrog, butterfly, humpback whale, cling wrap, squashing of the deck chair, accordion, reverse piggy-back, advanced (twin) leapfrog." Maybe it's a youth thing, but we suspect it's just hot new terminology for age-old ways to fornicate. "Cling wrap?" Someone please clarify.
They add that "Male-male, female-female, group, and oral variations of these positions can also be used to satisfy the pledge." The one-line provision "Cybersex does not satisfy the pledge, dorkwad," made us laugh out loud. And there's a whole lot of confusing politician-speak about which level of pledger/non-voter combinations can and cannot receive oral sex. They wrap up their stipulations with "Per the U.S. Constitution, children conceived on election night are eligible for gigantic interest-free loans from the U.S. government, and special t-shirts." Wait'll they start receiving requests for those t-shirts!
At least their hearts - or libidos - are in the right place. This election is a crucial one, causing a division in this country that hasn't been seen in decades, and the fact that folks are feeling both passionately and sexually compelled to participate in democracy is encouraging. Upon further investigation into the site, we spotted their "Click below to donate" button, asking for help financing their advertising campaign. They let their political leanings show just a bit by stating precisely where they plan to advertise: Ohio, Pennsylvania, Florida, Wisconsin, Colorado, Michigan, Iowa, and Missouri. Hmm, aren't those swing states?
Their advertising promises "Sex for Voters," further stating that "Thousands of young Americans have already taken the Votergasm Pledge." They offer their plea for increased democratic participation, stating, "Do your part for America. Take the Votergasm Pledge today. Because every voter deserves a Votergasm on election night." The question is, how many young people are going to be in the mood for a "Votergasm," or any sort of sex, on election night? Seems like they're banking more on the excitement of voting than who actually wins the election to inspire lovemaking. If that were the case, we think there would be voting machines in every bar in America, instead of videogames and jukeboxes.
Quick, pull that lever!
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