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 Topless Women May Prevent DeathHey, stop laughing. There's a logic train rollin' through, here. It all starts with a 15 year old girl named Athela "Beaner" Frandsen. While no one has chosen to comment on how or why Athela picked up her illustrious middle name, we do know that her parents, Jan and Marvin, are both naturists, and that young Beaner was told she could no longer take her shirt off past age 9. Why? Because, unlike the boys at the park who are allowed to take their shirts off to cool down in the warm Brevard County, Florida summer sun, the law requires that girls at 10 years of age and older keep their bosoms covered (unless of age and performing at a strip club). Outraged by this discrimination, Beaner and her mom have begun their crusade for topless women in a federal court lawsuit against Brevard County. Jan Frandsen believes that society's distaste for exposed mammaries actually put her daughter's health in danger. "When my daughter was a baby I had trouble breastfeeding. It was further complicated by our culture's constant disdain for the breastfeeding mother.... As a result, my daughter ended up with severe health and allergy problems associated with the lack of breastfeeding," Frandsen said. For those of you out there who would like women to have the right to go legally topless in public, the Frandsens could really use your, um…support. Come on people, if not to prevent death, it can at least prevent allergies.  College Girls SurveyedOn their ever vigilant search for truth, Maxim recently interviewed some college ladies regarding their sexual proclivities. It turns out 73 percent have gone down on a guy while in a moving vehicle, 52 percent made out with another woman, and 46 percent have been in a threesome. Of those surveyed, none specified as to whether they were being filmed by Snoop Dog at the time. Oh, and one more "factoid": 69 percent admit they've had sex with someone while their roommate was still in the room. 69 percent…how apropos.  A Call to Men: Help Poland over the "759 Humps" HumpOn the topic of sex factoids, it turns out that there is a world record three women are aiming to break. To date, the Polish record stands that the most men a woman has had sex with in a specific amount of time is "759 Humps". We don't know if this is over the course of 10 minutes or 10 days because the amount of time is not specified, but we do know that the record breaking attempt will be held in Poland at the World Sex Championship. One woman is from the US, a second from Brazil and a third from Poland. However, the call goes out to men around the world to come help these contestants reach their 1000 man humps goal. This is a telethon that could favor an unexpectedly large amount of support. Nintendo Wants You to Touch It From chubby Italian plumbers to cuddly-wuddly dinosaurs, Nintendo was strigiving to become the next Disney as a purveyor of all things innocent. Until now. The 400 pound gorilla of the videogame world that is Sony now threatens the very foundation of Nintendo so thoroughly that Nintendo has resorted to…(gasp)…sex. It's true. The tagline for Nintendo's new DS Handheld is "Touching is Good." "When you're a kid, you're always told you can't touch anything," said Perrin Kaplan, Nintendo of America's vice-president of marketing. "Touching is good. You're grown-up now, so read it how you want."  Well that's all fine and dandy. But how about the ad in which a sultry female voice tells the viewer to "come a little closer and get a feel"? Or the Maxim and Blender, ads featuring a well-endowed woman with a DS Handheld with the text, "How to Score! ... Start listening to her needs, playa!" So what's next? Buxom beauties in mini-skirts and high heels urging us to catch the next episode of Teletubbies? Purple dinosaurs that sing "You love me, I love you" with a knowing wink? The end is nigh. "Why?" I hear you ask. "How could two young luscious nearly nekkid college students being covered in sugary dairy products be a bad thing?" Because they're not doing it for fun, damn it all. They're doing it for money. Worse yet, they have to do it to a Britney Spears song. The two girls are barely able to survive whilst attending the University of Wales, Aberystwyth. The Student Loans Company is currently suffering a backlog in loans due to an extremely expensive new computer system. Thus, young nubile college students are being forced to compete in wet t-shirt contests for a whopping £50. So go on and do your part. Get out to these wet-shirt contests and donate to the moist students of Wales. And bring more whipped cream.  Less Fiber, More Rubber in Your DietTheresa VanHorn, a 29-year-old writer at MTV Networks, got a bit more than she bargained for as she bit into her carrot-nut cream-cheese-topped muffin. She found a condom baked right into the center. "I ate almost half the muffin before discovering it," VanHorn said. "Then it was like slow motion when I pulled it out - I was screaming." While many jokes could definitely be made here, let's suffice it to say that VanHorn did chose to eat a "carrot-nut cream-cheese topped muffin." Speaking for those who let their minds spend an inordinate amount of time in the gutter, I say, "Well, what did she expect?"
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