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 When Horny Circus Bears AttackNow there's a Fox network show I would watch. Florida once again finds itself in our headlines, this time because of a man in Sarasota. Common sense tells your average person, "Don't try to get between aggressive bears, particularly when at least one of them is horny." I know my mom had to remind me at least a few times. Derrick Ross Jr, 18, was keeping watch over the bears of the Big Cat Habitat one Saturday afternoon. He saw one bear acting aggressively toward another bear and stepped in to intervene. Gary Morse, spokesman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, says that bear was simply performing "pre-courtship behavior." Without elaboration, we can only assume candy and flowers were not involved. Ross was bitten and flown to Bayfront Medical Center, but the hospital could not release an update on Ross because he told them not to. We could probably safely say "mortally embarrassed, highly suicidal."  Ingredients Too Gross for Even the Iron ChefFalling into this week's "Most Unlikely to be Shown on the Food Network" category, Serbia just hosted their World Testicle Cooking Championship. Not only did they cook testicles from around the world, there were cooks from around the world in attendance as well. Ljubomir Erovic, whose first name cannot be pronounced by human tongue, organized this shindig as a way of promoting Serbia's "gourmet delicacy." "The best cooked balls come from Serbia, which are known locally here as white kidneys," he said. Because ordering kidneys sounds tastier, doesn't it? The competition was won by Belgrade gourmet testicle chef, Dejan Milovanovic. His bull and boar testicle dish reigned supreme. And now he can print up business cards with his updated title, SUPPREME Gourmet Testicle Chef. And because we know you were wondering…"All testicles can be eaten, except human, of course -- we don't want any cannibals here." Oh good. There's the line.  Brothels, a Growth IndustryWhile Churchill County, Nevada, is clearly Republican and voted for Bush overwhelmingly in this month's election, the county simultaneously voted down a ballot measure to ban legal prostitution by a two-to-one margin. Even George Flint, executive director of the Nevada Brothel Association, was stunned. Maybe there's truth to the adage that Republicans fear change…  Job Dedication Gone Too FarThe line has always been a bit blurry between assistant and boss, and it can be hard to tell exactly at what point the assistant's dignity has been completely lost. Was it when he asked you to make the coffee? When she asked you pick up the dry cleaning? When he asked you to stay late and "polish the underside of his desk?" Or when she asked, "Say, aren't you nursing a baby right now?" Kirstie Alley, somewhat known for her role on Cheers but more famously known for her completely random existence tangent to earth's reality, brought her pet possum to a publicity event. (Yes, that was "pet possum." It gets better.) When the possum began to squeak, apparently indicating hunger, Kirstie asked her publicist if she was nursing a baby. (Yes, that was "nursing a baby." It gets better.) The publicist expressed breast milk into a bottle for the ailing possum, but refused to go so far as to actually breast feed it due to its having sharp and pointy little teeth. Well at least she laid the law down…somewhere. (*shudder*)  Fake Robbery FoiledOh, this story is so sad. We began our News Briefs with one incredible lack of common sense and so must end with another. Trent Spencer, 27, of Edmond, Oklahoma, was desperate to save his marriage. Thus, he paid two high school students $100 each to perform a fake robbery. They were supposed to break into the house and try to grab the stereo. His job was to foil them and look like a hero. Everything was going peachy with the whole tying Spencer's wife up with duct tape. That was when Spencer burst in to save the day with the choreographed fight scene, which probably included the classic William Shatner mid-fight shirt rip. What it also included was a board which was cut to break in half as Spencer hit one of the boys over the head with it. And he probably would've gotten away with it if it hadn't been for that meddling wife, who had to silently free herself and call the police. Ruh-roh, Shaggy!
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