From the 6th until the 11th century, the church treated homosexuals no more harshly than couples who practiced contraception. The early Christian church was also more permissive toward abortion than contraception and more permissive toward homosexuality than masturbation. Oh, how the world has changed for the bett….wait, no - scratch that.

Henry I of England charged a tax to ecclesiastics who abandoned celibacy. The practice began in 1129. So basically, if you were having sex, you paid for it? And we think the clergy of today are confused…

The celibacy requirement for priesthood was adopted by the Lateran Council in 1215. Nice follow-up to the perfect revenue-generating scheme.

In the 10th century, it was ruled that a cleric who experienced a wet dream would have to sing 7 prescribed penitential psalms right after the fact, and in the morning, he needed to sing 30 more. I am just whistling to myself softly while staring down at my shoes. No, Ma, I am not looking at you at all.

St. Augustine had a concubine to whom he was faithful for 15 years. He said that his youth "boiled over in fornication." He also epitomized a general feeling among church fathers that the act of intercourse was fundamentally disgusting.

St. Jerome said that full grown virgin women should never bathe and should be ashamed of her body. Hell, if they never bathe they should be ashamed of their bodies.

St. Tertullian called women "the devil's gateway ... on account of you, even the son of God had to die." The devil's gateway? A great pickup line! Hey baby, wanna check out the devil's gateway?

St. Boniface is the saint that one should invoke in cases of sodomy. So, who do you involve in cases of intercourse? Oh, that's right - you go directly to the man himself - "Oh GOD, Jesus, God…."

The Bible mentions dildos. Ezekiel 16:17 says, "Thou hast also taken thy fair jewels of my gold and of my silver, which I had given thee, and madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them." I'm not convinced, but it sounded good with these others.

Sirs,

I have to take umbrage at your list of British euphemisms as certain points don't ring true.

10. Dillius (dildo): I have never heard this in my life and I mix in the worst circles. This sounds like it has been mangled by the Australian tongue.

9. Bugger (anal sex): True.

8. Frenchie (condom): Not exactly. 'French letter' is more accurate, alluding to the fact that your average Gallic missive of love could basically be summed up as a rubber.

7. Knickers (underwear): True. Not so much a naughty euphemism as a common everyday word for ladies' smalls.

6. Meat 'n' two veg (male genitalia): Yep. True.

5. Wanker (can describe a contemptible git, but literally means masturbator): True. I know many wankers, in the guise of your former definition, and I am pretty sure most fall into the latter category too.

4. How's your father? (the act of sex): Yes, but you should be wearing a suit and bowler hat and be in black and white if you use this nowadays.

3. Rogering (see number 4): True. How romantic. I know a bloke called Roger. He's gay. Hence 'Rogering' to me is forever associated with deviant arse-regarders.

2. Map of Tassie (vagina): Never heard of this. It is undoubtedly Australian, and must refer to the island of Tasmania due to its uncanny resemblance (in Australian eyes) to a bird's chuff. To associate British euphemisms with Australian ones is not unlike suggesting all Americans vote Republican.

1. Shake hot coconuts from the veiny love tree (masturbate) - oh come on, love. Do you think we're animals?

Yours,
Paul R, London