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Crikey! Crinkly Codgers Cruise for Kootch in Convalescence  News flash! Old men are still horny! And the Australians really know how to take care of their elderly. According to Anna Priamo, a nursing supervisor at an inner-city nursing home, it is common practice to hire escorts to cater to certain requests.It apparently goes like this: the friskier elderly gentlemen tend to "make comments" to the nurses. The nurses then complain to the doctor, and the then the doctor asks the elderly man if he would like to for an escort to be arranged. "Most homes would do it if asked. It is part of our job to make sure people are socially and sexually and emotionally happy and healthy," she said. A Melbourne escort by the name of Krystel told the Herald Sun that she had been hired multiple times to service the nursing homes, and that it is all done very discreetly. "I mean, you don't go in with fishnet stockings and that sort of thing. You see clients during the day so it looks more discreet. You go to the person whose name you've been allocated by the head charge nurse." As news gets out, expect the elderly population of Florida to wane as they head down under. "Ye Olde Penthouse" Up For Auction On December 16, the world's oldest known pornographic literature will go up for auction. The publication is titled Sodom and is described as the "quintessence of debauchery." This saucy English mag of yore is expected to pull in at least £35,000 (that's $65,040 US buckaroos). They believe that John Wilmot, the second Earl of Rochester, penned this porn. Apparently, the book is so lurid with naughty details that "it makes most pornography written 300 years later seem tame." Sodom, the only surviving copy of this publication, details the accounts of a randy king who wanted to "set the nation free" by allowing "buggary" to be "used thro' all the land." Indeed! Old Playa' Banned From Dating Site  All 55 year old Clive Worth was looking for was Miss Right. But over 100 women with whom he had sex complain that he was simply looking for Miss Right Now. In fact, they complained so much that Clive was banned from DatingDirect.com.In 5 years, ex-miner Clive dated 119 women and slept with most of them. That may seem like a lot to you and me, but let's put this in perspective. This is small beans to Gene Simmons, who according to his last public bragging, has slept with roughly 4600 women. According to my calculations, Gene at 55 years old has slept with 4.6 women each day since birth. (Now there's a playa!) So back to Clive, he was kicked off DatingDirect.com for showing "a lack of commitment." Well, hell, I blame them. Look at their company name, for the love a' pete. "The agency said they received complaints because women were traveling to meet me and wanted commitment, but I didn't. But it's just that I haven't met the right woman yet." Clive says he's just simply going to sign up with another agency and continue his search until he's 80. Only 4481 to go to catch up with fellow raiser Gene. The Devil Made Them Do It In an effort to be known nationally as "Creepy Carlos," Pastor Carlos Romero, 59, allegedly told several women of his congregation that they could avoid being harmed by the devil if they would have sex with him. (For those of you who have read Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, this is going to sound awfully familiar.)  "He told me that there was a revelation from God," said a woman identified only as "Dora." "He told me that I had already been attacked by the devil, and that I could only stop this by having sexual relations with him."Another church-going woman testified that Romero told her the devil would leave her "gravely wounded" if she did not seek Carlo's protection with sex. A third woman testified that Romero threatened to kill her after she tried to end their sexual relationship. If convicted, Romero faces up to five years and eight months in prison where, if he does not seek the protection of the devil, a big hairy man named Bubba may leave him gravely wounded. Hooters, Knockers, What's the Difference? As a follow-up to last issue's Hooters lawsuit debacle, it turns out that the jury did not go for Hooters' whole "Ronald McDonald in a Tight T-Shirt" offense. Apparently Hooters' can't claim that girls with tiny shorts and magnificent mammaries serving chicken wings are stealing their act. In fact, the jury even ordered Hooters to pay defense Ker's Winghouse $1.2 million in damages because Hooters broke their promise six years prior to simply seek arbitration. When justice prevails, doesn't it give you that warm tingly feeling inside? Tingle! German Sausages Actually Cocktail Weenies?  Men not measure their penises? (GASP) Yes, it's true. While every American mail knows his exact penis length like his social security number, the Germans just assume they are "Extra Large" when making that condom purchase. And you know what happens when you assume, you make an "ass" out of "you" and… Anyway, it turns out that a condom distributor in Berlin asked 2,500 men to measure their erect penis. This is because, whether due to embarrassment or vanity, they just don't wanna.Jan Vinzenz Krause of Vinico completed a study of German men, in which it was shown that the average erect penis size was 14.7 cm (5-3/4 inches), with 40 percent of participants reporting lengths between 12 and 15 cm (4-3/4 and 5-7/8 inches). So in the end, only 18% were actually "extra large", and 34% were slipping a cocktail weenie into a sleeve. Apparently the other half were literally packing sausage. But Aren't Strippers Supposed to Be…Um…Hot? Look out women of Rapid City, there's a dude on the loose claiming to deliver Strip-o-grams, and he's a great big liar. Literally. He's described as being white, heavy set and in his 40's. Your next tip off may be his plaid shirt, jeans, baseball cap and lack of cute black bow tie or attractive physique. He apparently strikes between 5pm and 7pm and asks you to go to a back room with him alone. A good response might be, "Great! Hang on a sec and let me call another stripper to join us - he does this whole cop act!" Then dial 911.
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