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 Pornogrification ReduxIt’s pretty unusual for the law to side with strippers, but in a rare turn of events, you can now be groped in a strip club in Las Vegas and the law will be on your side. Yes, take a second, wipe away that tear of joy and believe, for we speak the truth. District Court Judge Sally Loehrer just ruled that as many as five lower court cases should be dismissed because the “fondling” law is too vague. The 2002 Clark County Commission restricted contact between strippers and clientele during private lap dances, specifically prohibiting strippers from touching or sitting on the customer's genital area. Less specifically, neither groping party was allowed to ”fondle" or "caress" each other. But where exactly does the “fondle” line lay? Or lie, even? James Colin, defense attorney, argued that the lack of specifics makes it impossible to enforce the law. "It's too confusing," Colin said. "No one knows." Therefore, it is your civic duty to go investigate the specifics of private lap dance fondling and groping. But do it quick before the city appeals.  Virginia Parties Like It’s 1799Up until very recently, it was technically illegal to have sex outside of marriage in Virginia. So apparently after several centuries, they just now decided it might be a tad unconstitutional to haul young Johnny to the hoosegow for getting to third base with Jill. However, sodomy is still illegal. How sodomy, hanging from suspension gear or covering each other in peanut butter and jelly is the government’s business is anybody’s guess, but Virginia seems to be creeping its way toward the twenty-first century. While Jack and Phil may not be getting hauled off to the hoosegow for engaging in sodomy, the old law affects the outcome of Virginian court rulings. Take, for example, Richmond Circuit Judge Theodore J. Markow’s recent decision to throw a woman’s lawsuit out of court. She was suing a previous sex partner for not disclosing to her that he had herpes before having sex with her and she contracted the disease. Judge Markow threw the case out because she was “not entitled to damages due to her participation in an illegal act.” Thanks to the Supreme Court, the lawsuit was reinstated because it is deemed that “a sin greater than fornication is not telling someone you have a sexually transmitted disease and then not practicing safe sex.”  Men's Breasts Liberated My breasts are disappointed. According to Ventura County public defender, Liana Johnsson, “At some point, men's breasts became liberated and women's didn't.” My breasts are being oppressed. Strangely, they didn’t realize this until today. Johnsson has been crusading for months on end for the right for women to go topless at beaches and parks if they choose to sunbathe. The issue has now reached the Capitol. While this problem does seem a tad less urgent on the surface, time is of the essence. Sadly, women who have been convicted of indecent exposure could find themselves listed as sex offenders under Megan's Law, alongside rapists and child molesters. The office of state Attorney General Bill Lockyer stated that women should not be worried about being identified as sex offenders because California law considers topless sunbathing to be indecent but not lewd. The answer to the issue may be in a more specific interpretation so that local prosecutors don’t go off the deep end and… oh, I dunno…throw a case out of court because they’re trying to inflict their own moral beliefs on others.  When “Cool Moms” Go BadThe definition of a "cool mom" varies, to be sure. A cool mom might be one who lets her 13 year old daughter wear make-up to school. Or a cool mom might throw a few parties and pass out meth, marijuana, and alcohol appetizers following it with group sex for five of the eight underage partygoers. It's all in your perspective, I suppose. According to 40 year old Sylvia Johnson of Colorado, she was simply being a cool mom. I'm sure the boys would agree.  Self-castration Is Never a Good Idea. Really.What can’t you find on the internet? I’ve just found a lovely Hot n Sour Soup recipe. And then under “How to Castrate Yourself,” at least 20 links pop up. Apparently this is how a 50 year old Reno man recently learned how to do just that. Washoe Medical Center officials cited “privacy issues” as to why they could give no further information about the man, although Reno policeman Lt. Ron Donnelly said, “The man obviously needs some sort of counseling.” 911 received a call at about 1:30 am last Monday from a man saying he had performed a castration on himself and could not stop the bleeding. He says he wanted to lower his libido. I think watching John Bobbit’s “Frankenweenie” would have been less dangerous. Although, not by much.
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